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Some people say that History is one of the most important school subjects. Others think that, in today’s world, subject like Science and Technology are more important than History. Discuss both view and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people say that History is one of the most important school subjects. Others think that, in today’s world, subject like Science and Technology are more important than History. v. 1
There exists a controversy that whether History is the subject that is of paramount importance in school’s curriculum. Many people favor this statement, however, others assert that practical subjects such as Science or Technology have a more important role to play. The two sides of the issue would be discussed as follow and I would like to suggest my own point of view. In the first place, a strong argument could be held responsible for the indispensable part that History is widely thought to be holding in schools. Undeniably, History is a readily available and trustworthy source of historical knowledge, bringing to students the profound comprehension and explanations about their ancestors as well as historic and crucial events such as the origin of their National Independence Day. Without the present of this vital understanding in their minds, students would probably not know why they are existing right now and not appreciate the peaceful life they are unconsciously enjoying. Hence, it could be detrimental for their self-development, which likely leads to the possession of negative characteristics when they enter their adulthood such as disrespect for the elder or taking everything for granted. On the other hand, such realistic and applicable subjects, for example, Science and Technology, are also globally recognized notable in modern life. Since the world is now in a hi-tech era and thriving on the results of scientific experiments, paying close attetion to obtaining the related knowledge is virtually compulsory for every single citizen, especially those who are consistently spending time in schools. In other words, being able to acquire the knowledge in these areas would likely ensure bright career prospects for adolescents nowadays. Therefore, it is understandable and rational for the important place that these practical subjects are owning in schools. For the reasons illustrated above, I personally find both two types of subjects are of equal importance for the sake of students and under a bigger picture, for society. Each one has its own uniquenesses that is here to stay and equips students, the future owners of the Earth, with right manners as well as real-world knowledge and skills.
There exists a controversy that whether History is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
that is
of paramount importance in school’s curriculum.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
favor this statement,
however
, others assert that practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as Science or Technology have a more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
role to play. The two sides of the issue would
be discussed
Did you mean "as follows"?
as follow
and I would like to suggest my
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
point of view.

In the
first
place, a strong argument could
be held
responsible for the indispensable part that History is
widely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
to be holding in schools.
Undeniably
, History is a
readily
available and trustworthy source of historical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
, bringing to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
the profound comprehension and explanations about their ancestors
as well
as historic and crucial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
such as the origin of their National Independence Day. Without the present of this vital understanding in their minds,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
would
probably
not know why they are existing right
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
and not appreciate the peaceful life they are
unconsciously
enjoying.
Hence
, it could be detrimental for their self-development, which likely leads to the possession of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
characteristics when they enter their adulthood such as disrespect for the elder or taking everything for granted.

On the other hand
, such realistic and applicable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
,
for example
, Science and Technology, are
also
globally recognized notable in modern life. Since the world is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
in a hi-tech era and thriving on the results of scientific experiments, paying close
Possible spelling mistake found.
attetion
to obtaining the related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
is
virtually
compulsory for every single citizen,
especially
those who are
consistently
spending time in schools.
In other words
, being able to acquire the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
in these areas would likely ensure bright career prospects for adolescents nowadays.
Therefore
, it is understandable and rational for the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
place that these practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
The verb 'owning' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
are owning
in schools.

For the reasons illustrated above, I
personally
find both two types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are of equal importance for the sake of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
and under a bigger picture, for society. Each one has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
Possible spelling mistake found.
uniquenesses
that is
here to stay and equips
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
, the future owners of the Earth, with right manners
as well
as real-world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
knowledge
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS essay Some people say that History is one of the most important school subjects. Others think that, in today’s world, subject like Science and Technology are more important than History. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
352 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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