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29. 09. 2017 Happiness is considered very important in lifeWhy is it difficult to define? What factors are important in achieving happiness? v.1

29. 09. 2017 Happiness is considered very important in lifeWhy is it difficult to define? What factors are important in achieving happiness? v. 1
It goes without saying that being a celebrity brings problems as well as benefits in an individual's heart. I believe that being a famous person comes with more problems than benefits and it requires a great and good mental health. First of all, celebrities, such as film stars or sports personalities are constantly followed by the media and they are not living a simple true life as a normal human being. They can’t go out to have a dinner unless their bodyguard is not with them, they can’t have a normal walk in a park because fans could be all over and ruin their personal leisure time. Furthermore, while one person is famous, he/she doesn’t have only fans, but enemies as well. In addition, celebrities can put their activity in danger if they show up alone without a supporting member of their staff. Moreover, it depends on their mental stability and how they cope with a situation, because negativity from others can have a bad impact on their well being and many artists or sport celebrities find salvation in drugs and alcohol. On the other hand, some people argue that being famous has many benefits such as having a perfect life with money, everybody could wish for, extravagant holidays and doing nothing else just being present in the fans' life and giving them what they need: a good content, overwhelming music or even a good goal on the field. Thus, sometimes, the outsiders can not see the whole picture, and they imagine only the good parts. To sum up, I consider that famous person could have more problems with their lives at one point than benefits.
It goes without saying that being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
brings problems
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
in an individual's heart. I believe that being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
person
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
with more problems than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
and it requires a great and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
mental health.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
, such as film stars or sports personalities are
constantly
followed by the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
media and
they are not living a simple true life as a normal human being. They can’t go out to
When we speak of types of meals, the article is not required: "have dinner".
have a dinner
unless their bodyguard is not with them, they can’t have a normal walk in a park
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
fans could be all over and ruin their personal leisure time.
Furthermore
, while one person is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
, he/she doesn’t have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
fans,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
enemies
as well
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
can put their activity in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
if they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
up alone without a supporting member of their staff.
Moreover
, it depends on their mental stability and how they cope with a situation,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
negativity from others can have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
impact on their
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well being
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
artists or sport
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
find salvation in drugs and alcohol.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
such as having a perfect life with money, everybody could wish for, extravagant holidays and doing nothing else
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
being present in the fans' life and giving them what they need: a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
content, overwhelming music or even a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
goal on the field.
Thus
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
, the outsiders can not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the whole picture, and they imagine
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
good
parts.

To sum up, I consider that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
famous
person could have more problems with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
at one point than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
benefits
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay 29. 09. 2017 Happiness is considered very important in lifeWhy is it difficult to define? What factors are important in achieving happiness? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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