Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. v. 1
Students nowadays are under increasing pressure to achieve academic success in order to get into a good university or secure a well paid job. For this reason some people argue that schools need to focus on academic subjects and non academic subjects should therefore not be taught. I would argue that while academic skills are important, schools need to teach a wide range of both academic and more skills-based subjects. Firstly, not only should school be about teaching academic skills but also a wider range of life skills so that students can take an active part in society upon leaving school. Practical subjects can help to teach these skills to students. For example, physical education teaches students both how to work as part of a team and also the importance of being healthy. Furthermore, if cookery is taught then students will learn a great deal about health and nutrition. Secondly, academic subjects are not equally important for all students. There is the possibility of including more vocational non academic subjects on the syllabus like woodwork, textile design and computing skills. By studying these subjects, students will increase their employment prospects and be better placed to secure employment when leaving school. It is important to remember that not all students will continue to higher education and school needs to enable these students to find work. Finally, too much pressure should not be placed on students. Taking part in non academic subjects like art, music or drama gives students the opportunity to be creative. This could help them to manage stress levels and be more productive in other areas. In conclusion I would argue that although academic subjects are very important, this should not be the sole focus of a school syllabus. There are a number of benefits to teaching students non academic subjects.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
nowadays are under increasing pressure to achieve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
success in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
into a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
university or secure a well paid job.
For this reason
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
need to focus on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
and non
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
should
therefore
not
be taught
. I would argue that while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
need to teach a wide range of both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
-based subjects.

Firstly
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
be about teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
a wider range of life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can take an active part in society upon leaving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. Practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to teach these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
For example
, physical education teaches
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
both how to work as part of a team and
also
the importance of being healthy.
Furthermore
, if cookery
is taught
then
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will learn a great deal about health and nutrition.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are not
equally
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
for all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. There is the possibility of including more vocational non
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
on the syllabus like woodwork, textile design and computing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
. By studying these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will increase their employment prospects and be better placed to secure employment when leaving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. It is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
to remember that not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will continue to higher education and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
needs to enable these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to find work.

Finally
, too much pressure should not
be placed
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. Taking part in non
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like art, music or drama gives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
the opportunity to be creative. This could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to manage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
levels and be more productive in other areas.

In
The comma is probably missing here: "conclusion, I".
conclusion I
would argue that although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
important
, this should not be the sole focus of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
syllabus. There are a number of benefits to teaching
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
non
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
48Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
302 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts