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Some people believe that nowadays we have to many choices. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement. v.1

Some people believe that nowadays we have to many choices. with this statement. v. 1
Some people are of the opinion that we have got a huge number of options these days. In my point of view, I totally agree with this, because we are having a lot of freedom. First of all, we are able to choose our own education sector. The reason for this is that the regime gave both genders equal rights to make a decision in their career. For instance, in the past women were not permitted to provide an employment in a specific sector. However, some believed that only men were able to carry out outdoors jobs and that the women had to stay home and look after the counterparts. All in all, the females got the same rights as the men in the 21th century. Secondly, more parents are flexible with their children. The reason for this is that more mothers and fathers these days are spending most of their day at their employment. Moreover, this can increase the chance that the child can have more free time, which can be spend positive as negative. For instance, children are not learning the house rules and will make more spare time for themselves by providing time with their friends during the school hours. To conclude, it is considered that we have got a lot of free time these days. In my point of view, I totally agree with this because the government gave everybody the same right and permission as it have to be. Finally, parents are in pressure, because of their employment and do not give enough attention to family.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are of the opinion that we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a huge number of options these days. In my point of view, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
we are having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
freedom.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, we are able to choose our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
education sector.
The reason for this is
that the regime gave both genders equal rights to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a decision in their career.
For instance
, in the past women were not permitted to provide an employment in a specific sector.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
believed that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
were able to carry out outdoors jobs and that the women had to stay home and look after the counterparts. All in all, the females
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
the same rights as the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
in the
Please check the suffix, if this is an ordinal number.
21th
century.

Secondly
, more parents are flexible with their children.
The reason for this is
that more mothers and fathers these days are spending most of their day at their employment.
Moreover
, this can increase the chance that the child can have more free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, which can be
Consider using the past participle "spent"?
spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
as
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
.
For instance
, children are not learning the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
and will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for themselves by providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their friends during the school hours.

To conclude
, it
is considered
that we have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
these days. In my point of view, I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
gave everybody the same right and permission as it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be.
Finally
, parents are
The usual collocation for "in" is "under" not "". Did you mean "under pressure"?
in pressure
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their employment and do not give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
attention to family.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS essay Some people believe that nowadays we have to many choices. with this statement. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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