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Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matter(such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Give your opinion. v.1

Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matter(such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Give your opinion. v. 1
It is an ongoing debate between two groups of people. Former group thinks that allowing children to make their own choices in daily matters would generate a community which is selfish. Latter group believes that it is necessary for children to make decisions related to them. Before giving my opinion both views need to be critiqued with suitable examples in the ensuing paragraphs. Discussing the former view, the foremost argument put forward by the supporters is parents should restrict their child to take a decisions about everyday matters. A young man does not know what is good and what is not. They do not know the impacts of their choices on the society. For example, number of rape cases has increased in my home country India. Clothing pattern of girls as well as thinking pattern of boys can leads to such crimes. Moreover, entertainment such as, drinking and smoking can affect health. Furthermore, some rules are mandatory to make for the better health and a great future of a child. Therefore, if guardians would not restrict, independence will increase in the community. Which can result in a selfish society. On the other hand, latter people believe that children have their rights to make their own choices. In this era children are smart enough to choose what is benificial for them and what is not. For instance, in my Hindu religion non-veg food is not acceptable. However, in some cases such as, bone fracture non-veg food is necessary for healing. Additionally, comfert zone along with needs of youngsters regarding to the everyday things should be choosen by Thereby, pupils should be granted to take their own decisions which affect them. To conclude and give my opinion, adults should be allowed to make all things on their own way. Which will be benificial for their lifestyle. In a result, it would generate a society with free minded individuals who are able to do anything related to them.
It is an ongoing debate between two groups of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Former group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thinks
that allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
choices in daily matters would generate a community which is selfish. Latter group believes that it is necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
decisions related to them.
“Before” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Before
giving my opinion both views need to
be critiqued
with suitable examples in the ensuing paragraphs.

Discussing the former view, the foremost argument put forward by the supporters is parents should restrict their child to take
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a decision" or simply "decisions"?
a decisions
about everyday matters. A young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
man
does not know what is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and what is not. They do not know the impacts of their choices on the society.
For example
, number of rape cases has increased in my home country India. Clothing pattern of girls
as well
as thinking pattern of boys can leads to such crimes.
Moreover
, entertainment such as, drinking and smoking can affect health.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
rules
are mandatory to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
for the better health and a great future of a child.
Therefore
, if guardians would not restrict, independence will increase in the community.
“Which” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Which
can result in a selfish society.

On the other hand
, latter
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have their rights to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
choices. In this era
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are smart
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to choose what is
Possible spelling mistake found.
benificial
for them and what is not.
For instance
, in my Hindu religion non-veg food is not acceptable.
However
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases such as, bone fracture non-veg food is necessary for healing.
Additionally
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
comfert
zone along with needs of youngsters
The phrase 'regarding to' is not correct. Use "regarding" or "regard to".
regarding to
the everyday things should be
Possible spelling mistake found.
choosen
by Thereby, pupils should
be granted
to take their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
decisions which affect them.

To conclude
and give my opinion, adults should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
all things on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way. Which will be
Possible spelling mistake found.
benificial
for their lifestyle. In a result, it would generate a society with free minded individuals who are able to do anything related to them.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that allowing children to make their own choices on everyday matter(such as food, clothes and entertainment) is likely to result in a society of individuals who only think about their own wishes. Other people believe that it is important for children to make decisions about matters that affect them. Give your opinion. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
325 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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