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Living in a country where you have to speak a foreign languga can cause serious social problems, as well as pratical problems. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement? v.1

Living in a country where you have to speak a foreign languga can cause serious social problems, as well as pratical problems. with this statement? v. 1
Whether or not individuals should invest funds in the conservation of wild creatures and projects pertaining to the wildlife has become a controversial issue. While some individuals believe that it is justified if the government makes funding in the projects based on the protection of distinct wild species, others consider that more investments must be done on several essential projects. This essay intends to delve into both sides of the argument in depth, and I, however, opine that a balanced approach should be adopted. To begin with, it is considered by many that investing funds on a variety of fauna is appropriate. This is due to the fact that there are a lot of wild animals who are on the verge of extinction, therefore in order to save them, it becomes quite necessary to pay attention to their conservation. To cite an example, the national animal of India, the Bengal tiger that was on the edge of becoming extinct, but breeding in zoos helps to increase its number in my country. In short, funding in the way to protect our wildlife is an excellent method to preserve species in the environment. In contrast, there are others who are of the opinion that the governing bodies must give preference to the distinct development related projects. Because they believe that competition has become global, thus there is a great need that funds should be allocated to the projects related to the urbanization and modernization of the society. For instance, investment on the assignments that encourage foreign companies to invest in the Indian market such as building of highways, metro stations and many more. In other words, to attract the foreign companies it is mandatory to develop the urban areas and it would be possible only when the ruling bodies pay attention to modernisation. In conclusion, although people are divided on the perspective of the allocation of money to different organisations. A vast majority of people consider it appropriate to invest in the conservation of the wildlife, whereas others think that there are other better methods. But I firmly opine that both are essential and it will not be good to assign preferences to only one of them.
Consider shortening this phrase to just "Whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
Whether or not
individuals should invest funds in the conservation of wild creatures and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
projects
pertaining to the wildlife has become a controversial issue. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals believe that it
is justified
if the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
funding in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
projects
based on the protection of distinct wild species, others consider that more investments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be done
on several essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
projects
. This essay intends to delve into both sides of the argument in depth, and I,
however
, opine that a balanced approach should
be adopted
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, it
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that investing funds on a variety of fauna is appropriate.
This is due to the fact that
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
wild animals who are on the verge of extinction,
therefore
in order to save them, it becomes quite necessary to pay attention to their conservation. To cite an example, the national animal of India, the Bengal tiger that was on the edge of becoming extinct,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
breeding in zoos
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to increase its number in my country. In short, funding in the way to protect our wildlife is an excellent method to preserve species in the environment.

In contrast
, there are others who are of the opinion that the governing bodies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
give preference to the distinct development related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
projects
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
they believe that competition has become global,
thus
there is a great need that funds should
be allocated
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
projects
related to the urbanization and modernization of the society.
For instance
, investment on the assignments that encourage foreign
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
to invest in the Indian market such as building of highways, metro stations and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, to attract the foreign
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
it is mandatory to develop the urban areas and it would be possible
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
when the ruling bodies pay attention to
Do not mix variants of the same word ('modernisation' and 'modernization') within a single text.
modernisation
.

In conclusion
, although
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are divided
on the perspective of the allocation of money to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
Possible spelling mistake. 'organisations' is British English.
organisations
. A vast majority of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider it appropriate to invest in the conservation of the wildlife, whereas others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
better methods.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
I
firmly
opine that both are essential and it will not be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
to assign preferences to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one of them.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Living in a country where you have to speak a foreign languga can cause serious social problems, as well as pratical problems. with this statement? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
365 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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