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In many country’s children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinions on this? v.1

In many country’s children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinions on this? v. 1
One of the most conspicuous trends in today’s world is child service. Some people believe that teenagers should focus on their studies, to learn the most in their early youth. On the other hand, others argue that children can work part time to learn practical things. In my view, I believe that there is nothing wrong for students to learn and work at the same time. Firstly, early employment and earning pocket money make students feel independent and taste the importance of responsibility early in life. However, people will experience time management and spending leisure time productive for their own good. For example, many rich countries allow students to performance for a limited life to the skill importance of earning. Needless to say, early business gives an idea of how the world works and early responsibilities will increase their focus. Secondly, there are some pitfalls that can overwhelm the potential benefits of early industry practice. Children’s are not psychologically ready and early job can ruin their studies and make them endeavour full life to earn more money. Moreover, working timings and studies can be overburdening for the students. For instance, a recent survey explains that more than 60% of students quit their studies and start working for their rest of the life. Hence, too much of something is never good and early taste of money can be sometimes bitter. In conclusion, we can clearly understand that paid performance may have its side-effects, but practical practice is more important than book knowledge and the combination of both is the perfect ingredient. Finally, the role of task training is too dire to ignore.
One of the most conspicuous trends in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world is child service.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
should focus on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
, to learn the most in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
youth.
On the other hand
, others argue that children can work
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
to learn practical things. In my view, I believe that there is nothing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to learn and work at the same time.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
employment and earning pocket money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
feel independent and taste the importance of responsibility
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
However
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will experience time management and spending leisure time productive for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
rich countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to performance for a limited
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
importance of earning. Needless to say,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
business gives an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of how the world works and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
responsibilities will increase their focus.

Secondly
, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
pitfalls that can overwhelm the potential benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
industry practice. Children’s are not
psychologically
ready and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
job can ruin their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
full
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
to earn more money.
Moreover
, working timings and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
can be overburdening for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
For instance
, a recent survey
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explains
that more than 60% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
quit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
working for their rest of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
Hence
, too much of something is never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
early
taste of money can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
bitter.

In conclusion
, we can
clearly
understand that paid performance may have its
Did you mean "side effects" (=adverse effect, unintended consequence)? Open compounds are not hyphenated.
side-effects
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
practical practice is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than book knowledge and the combination of both is the perfect ingredient.
Finally
, the role of task training is too dire to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ignore
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay In many country’s children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinions on this? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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