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In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work, some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. Discuss both these views and give your opinion v.1

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work, some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. 1
Children are involved in different kinds of paid jobs in several countries. While some individuals view this act as totally unacceptable, others think it is an essential opportunity for them. In my opinion, this form of employment helps them to gain work experience and knowledge, which will make them more financially responsible in future. The reason why many people believe it is completely condemnable to make young ones to work in order to get salary is that, it exposes them to a lot of danger including the risk of untimely death. This age group are not yet mature enough to fend for themselves on their own and they may get knocked down by moving vehicles on their way to work. This is a common problem they face in a busy place such as Lagos state, Nigeria. A survey done in this region last year by Non governmental organization, Save the children Network, revealed that they are more prone to death while transiting to work than any other part of the population. Hence, it is necessary to discourage paid employment among them to reduce the incidence of untimely demise. The other side of this debate, which I agree with, opine that this type of engagement is a form of experience which culminates into shaping them to become more financially responsible. This is because children are unlikely to squander money that they work for by themselves. Moreover, it can also encourage them to inculcate good saving habits at an early age which might aid their success in future. The story of many business moguls comes to mind in this case, most of their autobiographies available online show that, a good number of them had engaged in one form of paid engagements or the other which helped them to learn financial prudence. In conclusion, while others think that juveniles should not be exposed to engagements where they receive salary due to risk of untimely death, I believe that doing contrary will help them to gain experience which aid good monetary management.
Children
are involved
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
kinds of paid jobs in several countries. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals view this act as
totally
unacceptable, others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is an essential opportunity for them. In my opinion, this form of employment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to gain
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience and knowledge, which will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them more
financially
responsible
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
.

The reason why
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe it is completely
Possible spelling mistake found.
condemnable
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
young ones to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
salary is that, it exposes them to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
danger
including the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of
untimely
death. This age group are not
yet
mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to fend for themselves on their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
own and
they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
knocked down by moving vehicles on their way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. This is a common problem they face in a busy place such as Lagos state, Nigeria. A survey done in this region last year by
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
Non governmental
organization, Save the children Network, revealed that they are more prone to death while transiting to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
than any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
part of the population.
Hence
, it is necessary to discourage paid employment among them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the incidence of
untimely
demise.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
side of this debate, which I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with, opine that this type of engagement is a form of experience which culminates into shaping them to become more
financially
responsible. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
children are unlikely to squander money that they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for by themselves.
Moreover
, it can
also
encourage them to inculcate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
saving habits at an early age which might aid their success
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
. The story of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
business moguls
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to mind
in this case
, most of their autobiographies available online
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
that, a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
number of them had engaged in one form of paid engagements or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helped
them to learn financial prudence.

In conclusion
, while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that juveniles should not
be exposed
to engagements where they receive salary due to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of
untimely
death, I believe that doing contrary will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to gain experience which aid
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
monetary management.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work, some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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