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In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsiblity. What are your opinions on this? v.3

In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsiblity. What are your opinions on this? v. 3
Engaging some children with some kind of paid work is considered as a wrong treatment, while some people believe that it can contribute more positive impact for them. This essay will explain why i believe the drawbacks of a paid work for children are outweighed by the benefit. Considering firstly the positives, the crucial advantage of having a job for children is they can earn some money to fund their life. Having salary is a fundamental resource for them to learn how to live a independent life and as the result, they will start taking responsiblity for their daily needs. Besides earning money, a paid work is not only giving a valuable experience to get a future job, but also improving their skill to deal with any problem in working environment. Skill that people need in the office, for instance emotional quotion, will be learnt effectively by their working experience, not by in class process. On the other hand, letting children to work also does present some problem. For example, a paid job will distract them from their focus on learning the other basic skills like numeracy and literacy in a school. School as a education institution will equip both of those skills for their student. This is a so critical because because numeracy and literacy will help to improve logical thinking, problem solving and exploring new knowledge. To sum up, although paid work for children is benefecial in terms of giving valuable experience, improving learning process, and teaching to take responsibily, it will be more important to focus on learning process in the school. If working experience has an urgency, it can be combined as vocation curriculum system.
Engaging
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is considered
as a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
treatment, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that it can contribute more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact for them. This essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
why
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
believe the drawbacks of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are outweighed
by the benefit.

Considering
firstly
the positives, the crucial advantage of having a job for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is they can earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
money to fund their life. Having salary is a fundamental resource for them to learn how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
independent life and as the result, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
taking
Possible spelling mistake found.
responsiblity
for their daily needs.
Besides
earning money, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
giving a valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a future job,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
improving their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skill
to deal with any problem in working environment.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Skill
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
need in the office,
for instance
emotional
Possible spelling mistake found.
quotion
, will be
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
effectively
by their working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
, not by in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
process.

On the other hand
, letting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
also
does present
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problem.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
job will distract them from their focus on learning the other basic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
like numeracy and literacy in a school. School as
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
education institution will equip both of those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
for their student. This is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
critical
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
numeracy and literacy will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
logical thinking, problem solving and exploring new knowledge.

To sum up, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is
Possible spelling mistake found.
benefecial
in terms of giving valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
, improving learning process, and teaching
Did you mean "taking"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'teach' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to take
Possible spelling mistake found.
responsibily
, it will be more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to focus on learning process in the school. If working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
has an urgency, it can
be combined
as vocation curriculum system.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsiblity. What are your opinions on this? v. 3

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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