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In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinions on this issue? v.2

In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinions on this issue? v. 2
It not surprising that, in many nation children’s are occupied with some kind of paid employment. It is often considered by many that children doing paid job is completely not acceptable, while i would agree with those who argued that it offers incredible job experience and sense of responsibility children can have in their career. On the one hand, it is commonly argued by many that children doing paid employment when are learning is certainly have adverse impact on their performance in schools. in other words, children may get poor results or they may fail in academic year this would probably pave the way for termination from school. For instance a recent survey conducted in rural area shows that there is noticeable decrease in results of students who busy in working outside. Thus, many thought that children occupied with work while studying is not applicable it has negative impact on their studies. On the other hand, some people argued that children who engaged in paid work would definitely get a excellent opportunity to explore themselves to earn money and to support their family. In others words children would not be a burden for family instead they support family for thier daily living. In addition it teaches a lesson about the value of money and how to spend it wisely instead of spending mindlessly. Furthermore students would like to perform better more in their academics. For example, Bangalore University conducted a survey shows that performance of students employees are 5percent higher that non working students. Therefore, children should do paid job as it pave the way ro recognise his own responsibility and value of money. To conclude, undoubtedly, despite children occupied with paid job in early age offers some disadvantages, i strongly believe that students should do some kind of jobs to earn wages which gives sense of responsibility.
It not surprising
that, in
many
nation
children’s
are occupied
with
some
kind of
paid
employment. It is
often
considered by
many
that
children
doing
paid
job
is completely not acceptable, while
i
would
agree
with those who argued that it offers incredible
job
experience and sense of responsibility
children
can have in their career.

On the one hand, it is
commonly
argued by
many
that
children
doing
paid
employment when are learning is
certainly
have
adverse impact on their performance in schools.
in
other words,
children
may
get
poor
results or
they may fail in academic year this would
probably
pave the way for termination from school.
For instance
a recent survey conducted in rural area
shows
that there is noticeable decrease in results of
students
who busy in working outside.
Thus
,
many
thought
that
children
occupied with work while studying is not applicable it has
negative
impact on their studies.

On the other hand
,
some
people
argued that
children
who engaged in
paid
work would definitely
get
a
excellent opportunity to explore themselves to earn money and to support their family. In others words
children
would not be a burden for family
instead
they support family for
thier
daily living. In
addition it
teaches a lesson about the value of money and how to spend it
wisely
instead
of spending
mindlessly
.
Furthermore
students
would like to perform better more in their academics.
For example
, Bangalore University conducted a survey
shows
that performance of
students
employees are 5percent higher that
non working
students
.
Therefore
,
children
should do
paid
job
as it pave the way
ro
recognise
his
own
responsibility and value of money.

To conclude
,
undoubtedly
, despite
children
occupied with
paid
job
in early age offers
some
disadvantages,
i
strongly
believe that
students
should do
some
kind of
jobs
to earn wages which gives sense of responsibility.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
14Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinions on this issue? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
308 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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