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In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. what are your opinion on this? v.15

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. what are your opinion on this? v. 15
In many parts of the world, children are being used as a source of money for many families by engaging them into paying jobs. Some argue that this is beneficial to them by giving them task experience. I do not agree with that and I think children must enjoy their childhood term with a chance to be educated and be used or manipulated by others. To begin with, the youngsters must enjoy their childhood age. Sending them to struggle mean you deprive them from this important era of mental development and exploration. For example, children like to spend their day by playing with their imaginary simple and exquisite world. Example of that, toddler like to spend hours playing with their peer friends football, which has a tremendous positive effect on both their physical and mental development and forcing them to industry will exert emotional and extra-physical stress or burden on their bodies. It is clear that, children who works regularly have little advantage with education in comparison with children who do not. This is definitely true, since inefficient time will be available for them to attend school. This in turn will put them in the corner of illiterate people that limit their choices of futuristic endeavour. As such, many those who are in the causal jobs or the low income positions they did struggle during their childhood season and did not get the chance of learning or school enrolment. Finally, the children's job market always put them at risk of exploitation, as working in the streets or the cross road will make them vulnerable to gangs which they provide them with shelter in return for their deployment into illegal acts or offences. Moreover, they are at risk of sexual molestation or harassment. To summarize, indulging children in the working class can be dangerous and immoral since you put them in a place not suitable for their age and level of thinking.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parts of the world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a source of money for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families by engaging them into paying jobs.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
argue that this is beneficial to them by giving them task experience. I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with that and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
enjoy their childhood term with a chance to
be educated
and be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
or manipulated by others.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the youngsters
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
enjoy their childhood age. Sending them to struggle mean you
The usual collocation for "deprive" is "of" not "them". Did you mean "deprive them of"?
deprive them from
this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
era of mental development and exploration.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
like to spend their day by playing with their imaginary simple and exquisite world. Example of that, toddler like to spend hours playing with their peer friends football, which has a tremendous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
effect on both their physical and mental development and forcing them to industry will exert emotional and extra-physical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
or burden on their bodies.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
Did you mean "work"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'children' should be used.
works
regularly
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
advantage with education
in comparison
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who do not. This is definitely true, since inefficient time will be available for them to attend school. This in turn will put them in the corner of illiterate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that limit their choices of futuristic
Possible spelling mistake. 'endeavour' is British English.
endeavour
. As such,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
those who are in the causal jobs or the low income positions they did struggle during their childhood season and did not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the chance of learning or school
Possible spelling mistake. 'enrolment' is British English.
enrolment
.

Finally
, the children's job market always put them at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of exploitation, as working in the streets or the cross road will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them vulnerable to gangs which they provide them with shelter in return for their deployment into illegal acts or
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
.
Moreover
, they are at
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of sexual molestation or harassment.

To summarize
, indulging
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
can be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
and immoral since you put them in a place not suitable for their age and level of thinking.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Language is the blood of the soul into which thoughts run and out of which they grow.
Oliver Wendell Holmes

IELTS essay In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. what are your opinion on this? v. 15

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
321 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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