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In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinions in this? v.14

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinions in this? v. 14
Working is necessary for living as well as to gain some experience. It is often argued by people that, children who are involved in paid works are not good for them, while others think that, it is very useful that children can get an important job experience, they can be independent, and they can learn something that is useful for their career. I totally agree with the statement that children need to work. Firstly, all people needs money to survive, whereas students need the most if they are staying alone, then it helps them for their living and as well as for their tuition fees. For example, my friend is staying in the main town, whereas he always had difficulties paying his fees, but after he got a new paid job, he seems to relax more than he used to. So, working in terms of money is really essential for the children's who are living independently. Secondly, working in a place helps you to find out, what are your strength and weakness. Moreover, it also provide guidance on what steps should one take for their better future. As you job somewhere, it added a plus point of your C. V, you will get valuable experience which adds and extra skill on your talent. Not only that, children who works, they bound to meet new faces and can get new ideas also. For example, my brother who used to work in marketing, now works for one of the leading company in our country CG groups because of the experiences and knowledge he got from the marketing. In conclusion, allowing children to work is very useful for their upcoming future and also helps them to live independently.
Working is necessary for living
as well
as to gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are involved
in paid works are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
for them, while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useful that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
, they can be independent, and they can learn something
that is
useful for their career. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the statement that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to work.

Firstly
, all
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
needs
money to survive, whereas students need the most if they are staying alone, then it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them for their living and
as well
as for their tuition fees.
For example
, my friend is staying in the main town, whereas he always had difficulties paying his fees,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
after he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
a new paid job, he seems to relax more than he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, working in terms of money is
really
essential for the children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are living
independently
.

Secondly
, working in a place
In informal texts, 'to' is not necessary. Do you mean "helps you find"?
helps you to find
out, what are your strength and weakness.
Moreover
, it
also
Did you mean "provides"?
provide
guidance on what steps should one take for their better future. As you job somewhere, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
a plus point of your C. V, you will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
adds
and extra
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skill
on your talent. Not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
Did you mean "work"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'children' should be used.
works
, they bound to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
new faces and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
also
.
For example
, my brother
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in marketing,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
works for one of the leading
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
in our country CG groups
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experiences
and knowledge he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
from the marketing.

In conclusion
, allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
useful for their upcoming future and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
independently
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinions in this? v. 14

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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