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In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinions on this issue? v.13

In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinions on this issue? v. 13
Minors are involved in paid work in many parts of the world. However, it is occasionally deemed as utterly wrong regardless of the fact that children may obtain essential work experience as well as learning how to feel responsibility. Although both viewpoints have sound arguments, I feel the latter one is more rational. On the one hand, when children do paid work, they may be less enthusiastic about studying. Consequently, they embark on skipping classes, hence missing out on learning curve that schools offer. This in turn will deprive them of future job prospects, which means that once they grow up, the amount of income they generate will not be sufficient to cover their adulthood necessities. Providing children sacrifice school time by working, they also subject themselves to deception and unjust exploitation. That is, by performing adult tasks, children both overwhelm their underdeveloped bodies and receive far less money compared to and adult who does identical job. That said, some still advocate that implicating children in work helps inculcate sense of responsibility into children. If children are allowed to work, they are faced with such ideas typical of adults as punctuality and discipline, to name but two. Having placed such a burden on their immature shoulders, children are likely to be ripe for professional work as earlier as possible. This is a positive trend in the era which demands an increasing number of young, well-rounded personnel. Therefore, doing a paid job at an early age is propounded to be of great use, and is stimulated in many states. To sum up, albeit physical and mental setbacks, a paid job at an early age bodes well for preparing responsible workforce for the future. Additionally, it is my personal belief that children need to be allowed to work for money if it does not interfere with their studies. Because if they enter workforce at an early age, education system will eventually reach its basic aim: allowing children to integrate what they learn at school into work.
Minors
are involved
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parts of the world.
However
, it is
occasionally
deemed as
utterly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
regardless of the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may obtain essential
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience
as well
as learning how to feel responsibility. Although both viewpoints have sound arguments, I feel the latter one is more rational.

On the one hand, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, they may be less enthusiastic about studying.
Consequently
, they embark on skipping classes,
hence
missing out on learning curve that schools offer. This in turn will deprive them of future job prospects, which means that once they grow up, the amount of income they generate will not be sufficient to cover their adulthood necessities. Providing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
sacrifice school time by working, they
also
subject themselves to deception and unjust exploitation.
That is
, by performing adult tasks,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
both overwhelm their underdeveloped bodies and receive far less money compared to and adult who does identical job.

That said,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
still
advocate that implicating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
inculcate sense of responsibility into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, they
are faced
with such
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
typical of adults as punctuality and discipline, to name
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
two. Having placed such a burden on their immature shoulders,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are likely to be ripe for professional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
as
Did you mean "early"?
earlier
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
possible. This is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
trend in the era which demands an increasing number of young, well-rounded personnel.
Therefore
, doing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
job at an early age
is propounded
to be of great
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
, and
is stimulated
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
states.

To sum up, albeit physical and mental setbacks, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
job at an early age bodes well for preparing responsible workforce for the future.
Additionally
, it is my personal belief that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for money if it does not interfere with their studies.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
if they enter workforce at an early age, education system will
eventually
reach its basic aim: allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to integrate what they learn at school into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are your opinions on this issue? v. 13

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
334 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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