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In many countries, children are engaged in different kinds of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion? v.7

In many countries, children are engaged in different kinds of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion? v. 7
Whether young school children should participate in various kinds of paid works or not has sparked heated debates in many nations. Some argue that engaging in paid work in early age is an efficient way of gaining valuable life experience; however, I believe it is harmful to put young students in paid works in any circumstances. To begin with, children are not physically mature enough to take on paid jobs. A substantial of medical evidence has suggested that human body development requires a certain period of years to reach its maturity to be fully participated in heavy physical activities. When children are placed in paid work roles, they are expected to perform and complete some tasks that involve adequate body strengths and energy that are only appropriate for adults rather than children. Thus, it could be physically harmful to encourage children to work for paid jobs. Apart from that, social scientists believe that the immaturity of children’s mental development could be a determinant factor that stops children from having a satisfactory experience in paid roles. They further suggest that working environment and relationships among colleagues are too complicated to be understood by young children. Thus, children may experience frustrations and anxiety when they are interacting with their adult colleagues. As a result, it could hinder children’s mental development, such as self-confident and self-respect development, in this crucial stage of their lives if they are in the paid role. To conclude, children taking paid work may cause physical and mental stress that could impact on their development negatively. However, some age appropriate and well organised voluntary work experience are believed to be beneficial to young children, which should be largely encouraged in schools and local communities.
Whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should participate in various kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
works or not has sparked heated debates in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
argue that engaging in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in early age is an efficient way of gaining valuable life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
;
however
, I believe it is harmful to put
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
students in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
works in any circumstances.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are not
physically
mature
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to take on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
jobs. A substantial of medical evidence has suggested that human body
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
requires a certain period of years to reach its maturity to be
fully
participated in heavy physical activities. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are placed
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
roles, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
to perform and complete
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
tasks that involve adequate body strengths and energy that are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
appropriate for adults
rather
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Thus
, it could be
physically
harmful to encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
jobs.

Apart from that, social scientists believe that the immaturity of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
could be a determinant factor that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stops
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from having a satisfactory
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
roles. They
further
suggest that working environment and relationships among colleagues are too complicated to
be understood
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
frustrations and anxiety when they are interacting with their adult colleagues.
As a result
, it could hinder
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
mental
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
, such as self-confident and self-respect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
, in this crucial stage of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
if they are in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
role.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
may cause physical and mental
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
that could impact on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
development
negatively
.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Did you mean "ages"?
age
appropriate and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well organised
voluntary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
are believed
to be beneficial to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, which should be
largely
encouraged in schools and local communities.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
39Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay In many countries, children are engaged in different kinds of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion? v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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