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In many countries children are engaged in different kinds of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion? v.6

In many countries children are engaged in different kinds of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion? v. 6
The issue of whether or not the children should be engaged in some paid work has sparked a heated debate. People have already differed around it. Some argue that having some employment experience is conducive to the child's learning and development. However, I believe that youngsters have to enjoy their time instead of working. This essay will deal with my viewpoint on the matter and opposing views to reach the most proper concept. On the one hand, I firmly believe that minors should stay away from working. There are many reasons, the most obvious one is that youths must spend their time in education, and explore a new nation by travelling abroad. Furthermore, learn a new language to be able to acquire a job in a multinational organization that requires a bilingual candidate. For instance, adolescents can utilize their spare time in learning new skills, like communication and negotiation skills, instead of working. On the other hand, a group of people argue that children should work because they will gain more experience and skills from an early age for the following reasons. Firstly, youths will be reliable and have the ability to be more responsible. Additionally, they will gain much money to be able to cover their basic need and carry the money for their future. For example, if young people acquire a job at an early age, they will have advantages over their colleagues. To summarize, even though both concepts seem convincing, as each one of them has its own rationale. Yet, I strongly agree with the last opinion, which states that children must not get a job at a very early young age, for the previously mentioned reasons.
The issue of
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
the children should
be engaged
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
paid work has sparked a heated debate.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
have already differed around it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
argue that having
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
employment experience is conducive to the child's learning and development.
However
, I believe that youngsters
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
enjoy their time
instead
of working. This essay will deal with my viewpoint on the matter and opposing views to reach the most proper concept.

On the one hand, I
firmly
believe that minors should stay away from working. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons, the most obvious one is that youths
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
spend their time in education, and explore a new nation by travelling abroad.
Furthermore
, learn a new language to be able to acquire a job in a multinational organization that requires a bilingual candidate.
For instance
, adolescents can utilize their spare time in learning new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, like communication and negotiation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
instead
of working.

On the other hand
, a group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that children should work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will gain more experience and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
from an early age for the following reasons.
Firstly
, youths will be reliable and have the ability to be more responsible.
Additionally
, they will gain much money to be able to cover their basic need and carry the money for their future.
For example
, if young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
acquire a job at an early age, they will have advantages over their colleagues.

To summarize
,
even though
both concepts seem convincing, as each one of them has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
rationale.
Yet
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the last opinion, which states that children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job at a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
early young age, for the previously mentioned reasons.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries children are engaged in different kinds of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion? v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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