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In many countries children are engaged in different kinds of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion? v.5

In many countries, children are doing work for money. Mostly, children are doing part time jobs to support their families financially or to meet their personal day to day needs. There is a section of people who think that children should not be involved in any paid work. But there are other people, who think that employment experience is conducive to children’s learning and development. In my opinion, if a kid is engaged in some kind of work, he will get real life experiences and will become more intellectual and responsible person. There are many points to support my opinion. First of all, children will learn significance and value of money when they will earn with their own efforts. It is very important for children to know how money comes at home and how we can ensure not to waste money. For example, in my childhood I used to think that anyone can get money easily from ATM machine and can buy anything whatever they want. I used to force my parents to bring me expensive toys. It was until I joined a part-time job after finishing my high school and come to know how hard it is to earn money. Likewise, paid work provides opportunities to children to go to their dream college or pursue higher studies. In many countries, education is very costly. Parents can-not afford expenses of higher studies. In this case, children decide to do part-time jobs after finishing their school to support their studies. For example, one of my friend wanted to take admission in one of the prestigious college to pursue his master’s degree. But his parents were not financially strong to support his admission to college. He then, decided to utilise money which he had earned while finishing his school. However, there are children which can have bad motives behind doing paid work. Some of them waste money for their bad habits like smoking, drinking. Some of them even start taking drugs. In this case, employer and parents should keep an eye on children, how money is getting used. To conclude, children who are pursuing any work or job for good intentions like to study or to support their parents, are likely to become more responsible and intellectual. Paid job will give them independence and more learning opportunities.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries,
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children
are doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Mostly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are doing
This word is normally spelled with a hyphen.
part time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
their families
financially
or to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
their personal
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
needs. There is a section of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not
be involved
in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
there are other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that employment experience is conducive to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
learning and development. In my opinion, if a kid
is engaged
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, he will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
real life experiences and will become more intellectual and responsible person. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
points to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
my opinion.

Often, this adverbial phrase is redundant. Consider using “first”.
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will learn significance and value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
when they will earn with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
efforts. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to know how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
at home and how we can ensure not to waste
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
For example
, in my childhood I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that anyone can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
easily
from
This phrase is redundant (‘M’ stands for ‘machine’). Use simply “ATM”.
ATM machine
and can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
anything whatever they want. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to force my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to bring me expensive toys. It was until I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
a part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
after finishing my high school and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
to know how
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
it is to earn money.

Likewise
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
provides opportunities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to go to their dream college or pursue higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, education is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
costly.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
can-not afford expenses of higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
In this case
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
decide to do part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
after finishing their school to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
For example
, one of my friend wanted to take admission in one of the prestigious college to pursue his master’s degree.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
were not
financially
strong to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
his admission to college. He then, decided to
Possible spelling mistake. ‘utilise’ is British English.
utilise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
which he had earned while finishing his school.

However
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
which can have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
motives behind doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of them waste
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits like smoking, drinking.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of them even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
taking drugs.
In this case
, employer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
an eye on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, how
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is getting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
.

To conclude
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are pursuing any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
intentions like to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
or to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
, are likely to become more responsible and intellectual.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
will give them independence and more learning opportunities.
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If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay In many countries children are engaged in different kinds of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion?

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
385 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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