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In many countries, children are engaged in different kinds of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion? v.1

In many countries, children are engaged in different kinds of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion? v. 1
Children, nowadays, can be seen earning by doing various jobs in a large number of countries. Although some people think it is positive as children become responsible and gain experience, I, alongwith others, believe that it is totally unacceptable as children would not be able to enjoy their childhood days and may feel over-burdened all the time. In this essay, I will discuss why it is necessary to stop child labour. By doing paid work children can gain experience that may aid them to become more responsible and easy learners. This, in turn, would assist them to do their tasks with higher efficiency. In India, for instance, children who do jobs along with their studies, generally, perform better in their academics. In addition, If children started working earlier in their lives, they can save money for their future. As a result, they would be less dependant on others for their own needs of money. I, however, side with those, who believe that it is totally wrong to indulge children in jobs at such early stages of their life. It will not only steal their enjoyment of childhood days but would also make them feel over-pressurised due to their job responsibilities. This may further result in feeling of isolation amongst them. Consequently, children would miss the fun that all of them deserve to have during their childhood days. To conclude, while some people consider children who starts working earlier in their lives as good learners and more responsible, I believe that allowing children work so early steals their enjoyment of childhood and make them feel over-burdened. Therefore, making children work so early, is not recommended.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
, nowadays, can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
earning by doing various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
countries. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become responsible and gain experience, I,
Possible spelling mistake found.
alongwith
others, believe that it is
totally
unacceptable as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would not be able to enjoy their childhood days and may feel over-burdened all the time. In this essay, I will discuss why it is necessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
child
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
.

By doing paid work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can gain experience that may aid them to become more responsible and easy learners. This, in turn, would assist them to do their tasks with higher efficiency. In India,
for instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
along with their studies,
generally
, perform better in their academics.
In addition
, If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
working earlier in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, they can save money for their future.
As a result
, they would be less
Did you mean "dependent" on?
dependant
on others for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
needs of money.

I,
however
, side with those, who believe that it is
totally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
to indulge
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
at such early stages of their life. It will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
steal their enjoyment of childhood days
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
would
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them feel
Possible spelling mistake found.
over-pressurised
due to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
responsibilities. This may
further
result in feeling of isolation amongst them.
Consequently
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would miss the fun that all of them deserve to have during their childhood days.

To conclude
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
consider
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
Did you mean "start"? Alternatively, check whether the singular of 'children' should be used.
starts
working earlier in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
learners and more responsible, I believe that allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
early steals their enjoyment of childhood and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them feel over-burdened.
Therefore
, making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
early, is not recommended.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries, children are engaged in different kinds of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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