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In many children are engaged in different kinds of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion? v.1

In many children are engaged in different kinds of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion? v. 1
In the modern world, children are allowed to undergo paid work. Nowadays people believe that it will help their children in understanding the importance of money. They will be able to have the exposure of work experience, and more importantly, they will be able to learn corporate skills like leadership and discipline. I strongly agree to this as it will not only develop the thinking of children but also improve their skills. Children who started working from their childhood believes to be more successful in the coming future. Their imagination and concentration towards different things improves. It will not only improves their mental focus, but will also generate a sense of kindness. They will not hesitate to help others in every way possible. Even though there are many advantages of why children should start working early, there are many people who see this as completely wrong. Some people believe that it will generate the sense of greediness among children. They will be so eager to earn money that they will not hesitate to compromise their studies. Apart from that, they believe that a child's childhood is meant for playing, travel and experience different wonders of the world. They should not be pressurised by making them work. It will affect their brain and can cause depression in early age. To sum up, according to me, we should allow children to work, but it should be the responsibility of their parents that they are not being pressurised because of work. It would be so beneficial for a child in his adulthood as he would already have working experience and exposure to the working enviroment. Children are the future of a Country and it will be helpful for the entire nation.
In the modern world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to undergo paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. Nowadays
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in understanding the importance of money. They will be able to have the exposure of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience, and more
importantly
, they will be able to learn corporate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
like leadership and discipline. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to this as it will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
develop the thinking of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

Children who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
from their childhood
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believes
to be more successful in the coming future. Their imagination and concentration towards
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
things
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
. It will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
The verb 'will' requires base form of the verb: "improve"
improves
their mental focus,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
will
also
generate a sense of kindness. They will not hesitate to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
others in every way possible.

Even though
there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages of why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
early, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
this as completely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it will generate the sense of greediness among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. They will be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
eager to earn money that they will not hesitate to compromise their studies. Apart from that, they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that a child's childhood
is meant
for playing, travel and experience
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
wonders of the world. They should not be
Possible spelling mistake. 'pressurised' is British English.
pressurised
by making them
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. It will affect their brain and can cause depression in early age.

To sum up, according to me, we should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it should be the responsibility of their parents that they are not being
Possible spelling mistake. 'pressurised' is British English.
pressurised
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. It would be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
beneficial for a child in his adulthood as he would already have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
experience and exposure to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
Possible spelling mistake found.
enviroment
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are the future of a Country and it will be helpful for the entire nation.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay In many children are engaged in different kinds of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it a valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What is your opinion? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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