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26. 09. 2017 In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are you opinions on this? v.2

26. 09. 2017 In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are you opinions on this? v. 2
Engaging youngsters in paid work is a widespread practice in many states. Some claim that it is unacceptable while others see the practice as an efficient way to pass down important experience. Below both prospects will be discussed in details and author’s opinion will be stated. On the one hand, being engaging in work could have an adverse effect on offspring. Firstly, a decline in academic achievement of a working child may be seen as the first problem. Usually the jobs that are given to young people require working before or after school; consequently, young employees have to spend time that ought to be devoted to studying on fulfilling their duties at a workplace. Secondly, working could have an unfavorable impact on offspring health. For example, a kid who delivers newspapers should wake up early and it leads to a lack of sleep that may weaken a fragile immune system of the child, moreover, he must do the job even when weather is inclement and it is raining or snowing; thus, delivering press in those conditions will likely have a disadvantageous influence on the boy’s organism. Those are the main drawback of the discussed policy. On the other hand, working may provide a young person with indispensable opportunity to get beneficial experience. Primarily, a feeling of responsibility is forged at a workplace. For an instance, when a pupil is given an assignment he will not get paid till the quality of work is checked. This simple experience will inevitably give a child an understanding of the concept of responsibility. Furthermore, experiencing being paid a relatively small amount of money for a done job and seeing that more qualified employees are paid higher wages will probably motivate a boy to study harder at school in order to improve job prospects after graduation. Thus, engaging in a work has an auspicious impact on personality of kids and their attitude to acquiring knowledge. In my opinion, although the practice has many positive aspects, the negative ones outweigh them because the physical well-being of a student as well as his school performance is fundamental for achieving a successful future.
Engaging youngsters in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is a widespread practice in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
states.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
claim that it is unacceptable while others
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the practice as an efficient way to pass down
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
experience. Below both prospects will
be discussed
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
and author’s opinion will
be stated
.

On the one hand, being engaging in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
could have an adverse effect on offspring.
Firstly
, a decline in academic achievement of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
child may be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
as the
first
problem.
Usually
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
that are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
to young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
require
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
or after school;
consequently
, young employees
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
spend time that ought to
be devoted
to studying on fulfilling their duties at a workplace.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
could have an unfavorable impact on offspring health.
For example
, a kid who delivers newspapers should wake up early and it leads to a lack of sleep that may weaken a fragile immune system of the child,
moreover
, he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
do the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
even when weather is inclement and it is raining or snowing;
thus
, delivering press in those conditions will likely have a disadvantageous influence on the boy’s organism. Those are the main drawback of the discussed policy.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
may provide a young person with indispensable opportunity to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
beneficial experience.
Primarily
, a feeling of responsibility
is forged
at a workplace. For an instance, when a pupil is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
an assignment he will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
till the quality of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
checked
. This simple experience will
inevitably
give a child an understanding of the concept of responsibility.
Furthermore
, experiencing being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
a
relatively
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
amount of money for a done
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
and seeing that more qualified employees are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
higher wages will
probably
motivate a boy to study harder at school in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
prospects after graduation.
Thus
, engaging in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
has an auspicious impact on personality of kids and their attitude to acquiring knowledge.

In my opinion, although the practice has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects, the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
ones outweigh them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the physical well-being of a student
as well
as his school performance is fundamental for achieving a successful future.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS essay 26. 09. 2017 In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility. What are you opinions on this? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
355 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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