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Some people think that a sense of competition should be encouraged in children. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion. v.2

Some people think that a sense of competition should be encouraged in children. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. v. 2
There is a popular saying that the child is the father of the nation. The mould provided to them when they are young is what they are likely to become. While some people opine that cooperative children make better adults than competitive children, I cannot fully agree with this view. Competitiveness cannot be omitted entirely and I consider it necessary to some extent. Unfortunately, it has been brought out by various studies that there is a lack of empathy in this fast paced millennium. Therefore, to overcome such a dreadful development, it has become mandatory now to instill the higher values such as a helping mentality, kindness and cooperation in our children. This would eventually help them to become better, compassionate adults and possibly enable/encourage them to serve the society in a greater cause. Moreover, cooperation is essential for the smooth functioning of our society. Furthermore, during a job interview, a candidate’s team spirit is assessed by making him go through certain group activities. On the other hand, competitiveness acts as a propelling force which drives children to attain their goals as long as it is healthy. Enabling us to become a better version of ourselves at every step is one of the several pros of being competitive. Moreover, in this world of cutthroat competition, it is a necessary evil. For instance, in India, there are at least five hundred students competing for every single medical seat in a medical college. Without being competitive, it would be almost impossible to crack the exam. However, an excess of this quality may alter the personality and attitude of children in the long term. It may lead to unhealthy jealousy and features of type A personality, making them more stressed out in due course. The need to win all the time may encourage them to adopt unethical practices like pulling others down by undue means. To conclude, I reiterate that to shape our world into a better place, children must be conditioned to become more compassionate and cooperative. However, a healthy competitiveness should also be encouraged so that it keeps them motivated to do better. The holistic approach would be to instill both the qualities proportionately to shape a child into a wholesome individual.
There is a popular saying that the child is the father of the nation. The
Possible spelling mistake. 'mould' is British English.
mould
provided to them when they are young is what they are likely to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
opine that cooperative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
adults than competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, I cannot
fully
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view. Competitiveness cannot
be omitted
entirely
and I consider it necessary to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent.

Unfortunately, it has
been brought
out by various studies that there is a lack of empathy in this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
paced millennium.
Therefore
, to overcome such a dreadful development, it has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
mandatory
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
to instill the higher values such as a helping mentality, kindness and cooperation in our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. This would
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
, compassionate adults and
possibly
enable/encourage them to serve the society in a greater cause.
Moreover
, cooperation is essential for the smooth functioning of our society.
Furthermore
, during a job interview, a candidate’s team spirit
is assessed
by making him go through certain group activities.

On the other hand
, competitiveness acts as a propelling force which drives
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to attain their goals as long as it is healthy. Enabling us to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
version of ourselves at every step is one of the several pros of being competitive.
Moreover
, in this world of cutthroat competition, it is a necessary evil.
For instance
, in India, there are at least five hundred students competing for every single medical seat in a medical college. Without being competitive, it would be almost impossible to crack the exam.
However
, an excess of this quality may alter the personality and attitude of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in the long term. It may lead to unhealthy jealousy and features of type A personality, making them more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stressed
out in due course. The need to win all the time may encourage them to adopt unethical practices like pulling others down by undue means.

To conclude
, I reiterate that to shape our world into a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
place,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be conditioned
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
become
more compassionate and cooperative.
However
, a healthy competitiveness should
also
be encouraged
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keeps
them motivated to do
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
. The holistic approach would be to instill both the qualities
proportionately
to shape a child into a wholesome individual.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that a sense of competition should be encouraged in children. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
371 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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