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Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. v.9

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. v. 9
It is often argued, children should start to do some paid jobs to get precious working knowledge and experience while others feel that it is entirely unacceptable. This essay believes that children should not do any job at least during their initial 16years of their life and should be dedicated to their studies. Some would say that by working paid jobs, they will not only earn money but the experience which helps them to choose their future career. That is to say that, by implementing that working experience child can determine which degree course or business will be beneficial in the future to earn more money. For example, a recent survey found that in Pakistan around 10% of brick industry owners admit that, they used to work as a labor in a brick factory as a child and made their mind to pursue the same business in adult life. However, I believe that this is a wrong approach, children's brains are very fertile, and this should be used for studies only not for work. While others believe that children should not permit to work because they shall have to complete their education first before to start any paid job. When a child begins working, their mind will divert from studies, and a chance of quitting will be highly likely; therefore, it will be difficult for a kid to go back to school. For instance, Cambridge University found in a recent survey; around 30% of boys and girls did not go back to school once started doing paid jobs at their young ages. Therefore this essay believes that children should complete their education first. In conclusion, I believe, although getting a working experience earlier in life can be beneficial, but education should be the priority for every child in the world.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
precious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
knowledge and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
while others feel that it is
entirely
unacceptable. This essay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believes
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not do any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
at least during their initial 16years of their life and should
be dedicated
to their studies.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
would say that by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, they will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
earn money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to choose their future career.
That is
to say that, by implementing that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
can determine which degree course or business will be beneficial in the future to earn more money.
For example
, a recent survey found that in Pakistan around 10% of brick industry owners admit that, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to work as a labor in a brick factory as a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
and made their mind to pursue the same business in adult life.
However
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that this is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
approach, children's brains are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
fertile, and this should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for studies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
not for work.

While others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should not permit to work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they shall
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
complete their education
first
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
. When a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
, their mind will divert from studies, and a chance of quitting will be
highly
likely;
therefore
, it will be difficult for a kid to go back to school.
For instance
, Cambridge University found in a recent survey; around 30% of boys and girls did not go back to school once
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
paid
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
at their young ages.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
this essay
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believes
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should complete their education
first
.

In conclusion
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
, although getting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
experience
earlier in life can be beneficial,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
education should be the priority for every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
in the world.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Learn a language, and you’ll avoid a war.
Arab Proverb

IELTS essay Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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