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Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. v.45

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. v. 45
Some individuals believe that it is necessarily important to motivate children to be more competitive to perform better. Yet, it seems to others that children, who are supplied (exposed) by the spirit of group-working, will be able to be more useful people in their life later than those who presume that competition is a priority. This essay will discuss both of these opinions through the following paragraphs. First, citizens may think that the more competition someone faces, the faster the growth of his or her cognitive values would be. This idea can be a better consideration to boost and to explore people’s hemisphere to be more innovative in their lifetime as they are encouraged to be the first and have a passion for defeating other's idea. Being the best student in class, for instance, is one of the real examples. Students, who always get the first place, will try to maintain their position by expanding their competitiveness through study harder than others. However, living in the real community, besides competitiveness, people are also required to be cooperative as their faith as social creatures that have to engage or be involved with other people to achieve a goal. Individuals, who can be a good cooperative people, are those who have been trained to do a team-work, moreover since their childhood rather than those who always competitive. My uncle, Rian, is a real figure. He is always involved in a community work and acts collaboratively with others because he used to do that since he was a little child and as the result, their goals are mostly achieved easier. Someone who always excels in education and jobs is not necessarily a person with competitive mentality. Helpfulness and sharing with other expand the knowledge we gather. It is a good human quality to help other rather than competing. Children who are learned to share, often become better persons that those who always compete. All in all, being competitive is considerably important to enhance knowledge, yet the communal life needs cooperative people as well. Thus, individuals are cordially suggested to balance both competitiveness and cooperativeness.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals believe that it is
necessarily
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to motivate children to be more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
to perform better.
Yet
, it seems to others that children,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are supplied
(exposed) by the spirit of group-working, will be able to be more useful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in their life later than those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
presume that competition is a priority. This essay will discuss both of these opinions through the following paragraphs.

First
, citizens may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the more competition someone faces, the faster the growth of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
cognitive values would be. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
can be a better consideration to boost and to explore
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
hemisphere to be more innovative in their lifetime as they
are encouraged
to be the
first
and have a passion for defeating other's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
. Being the best student in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
,
for instance
, is one of the real examples. Students,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
first
place, will try to maintain their position by expanding their competitiveness through study harder than others.

However
, living in the real community,
besides
competitiveness,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
also
required to be cooperative as their faith as social creatures that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
engage or
be involved
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to achieve a goal. Individuals,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
can be a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
cooperative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, are those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have
been trained
to do a team-work,
moreover
since their childhood
rather
than those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
always
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
. My uncle,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Rian
, is a real figure. He is always involved in a community work and acts
collaboratively
with others
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to do that since he was a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
child and as the result, their goals are
mostly
achieved easier.

Someone
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
always excels in education and jobs is not
necessarily
a person with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
mentality. Helpfulness and sharing with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
expand the knowledge we gather. It is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
human quality to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
rather
than competing. Children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are learned
to share,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
become better persons that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
always compete.

All in all, being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
is
considerably
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to enhance knowledge,
yet
the communal life needs cooperative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
as well
.
Thus
, individuals are
cordially
The verb 'suggested' is used with the gerund form: "suggested balancing".
suggested to balance
both competitiveness and cooperativeness.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. v. 45

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
351 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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