Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. v.44

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. v. 44
In today's modern world, most of the people around the globe lead a competitive lifestyle as they need to secure a decent job with a high payment. Therefore, there are a handful of people who assert that there should be competition among the children so that they will reach their goals in the future. However, some people are of the opinion that children should be taught to co-operate as they have higher tendency to become a useful citizen once they know about cooperation. Hence, it is important for us to examine both sides of the views before reaching a reasonable conclusion. Admittedly, if there is a sense of competition among the children, they are stimulated to work harder when acquiring knowledge in school. It is, possibly, due to the reason that they want to score better in examination than their classmates. With the existence of competition among children, they are highly likely to perform well in school as they will always compare their academic progressions with others. To illustrate, during a quiz or a test, the children will probably try harder to solve the questions as they love the feeling of being praised by their teachers and friends. Thus, with the existence of competition among children, they will have more momentum in studying and achieving success. On the other hand, it is believed that children who know how to co-operate with others will attain success and contribute more to the society. In school, if the teachers teach them about the moral value of cooperation, it will further encourage them to have good teamwork between children learn how to respect others' opinions. It, indirectly, helps them to develop the crucial interpersonal skills which play an indispensable role in their studies and prospective jobs. Hence, any misunderstanding can be avoided among the child which is the key to achieving their aspirations both in their studies and their works. In conclusion, I believe that both the competition and cooperation should exist among the children as each of them helps the young children to become a more knowledgeable and useful individual who can contribute endlessly to the society. As a consequence, our nation will surely continue to prosper and flourish in the decades to come.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's modern world, most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
around the globe lead a competitive lifestyle as they need to secure a decent job with a high payment.
Therefore
, there are a
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "handfuls", "handsful"?
handful
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who assert that there should be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they will reach their goals in the future.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be taught
to co-operate as they have higher tendency to become a useful citizen once they know about cooperation.
Hence
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for us to examine both sides of the views
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching a reasonable conclusion.

Admittedly
, if there is a sense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, they
are stimulated
to work harder when acquiring knowledge in school. It is,
possibly
, due to the reason that they want to score better in examination than their classmates. With the existence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, they are
highly
likely to perform well in school as they will always compare their academic progressions with others. To illustrate, during a quiz or a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will
probably
try harder to solve the questions as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
the feeling of
being praised
by their teachers and friends.
Thus
, with the existence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, they will have more momentum in studying and achieving success.

On the other hand
, it
is believed
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who know how to co-operate with others will attain success and contribute more to the society. In school, if the teachers teach them about the moral value of cooperation, it will
further
encourage them to have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
teamwork between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn how to respect others' opinions. It,
indirectly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to develop the crucial interpersonal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which play an indispensable role in their studies and prospective jobs.
Hence
, any misunderstanding can
be avoided
among the child which is the key to achieving their aspirations both in their studies and their works.

In conclusion
, I believe that both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
and cooperation should exist among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as each of them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to become a more knowledgeable and useful individual who can contribute
endlessly
to the society. As a consequence, our nation will
surely
continue to prosper and flourish in the decades to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. v. 44

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
371 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts