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Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. v.41

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. v. 41
There is too much debate about whether children should be learned to be more competitive or cooperative members of society. In my opinion, both behaviours are important and cooperation is more important than competition. On one hand, as we live in the very competitive society, we need to teach our children the sense of competition in a positive way. The most obvious advantage to encourage competition among children is that it makes them more creative and open minded and opens the doors for better future opportunities for them. For illustration, children work hard in the study because they compete with other classmates to receive high marks, this will help them to get a very good job in the future. Moreover, they become more independent and rely on themselves because they know that nobody else will be there to do their duties. On the other hand, I believe that cooperation is mandatory to be encouraged for many reasons. Firstly, cooperation helps children to learn from each other. For example, when I was at school team, I learned how to play table  tennis  with  my friends and we learn a lot  of skills from each other and when we play in the final round with other school teams,   we get a very good score in the final. Secondly, cooperation teaches children the skills linked to sharing, as a result, they become a kind member of society. Finally, cooperation is the key component for better personality as well as prevent from individuality. To sum up, both cooperation and competition have their own advantages. However, I tend to think that cooperation should be encouraged more in children.
There is too much debate about whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be learned
to be more competitive or cooperative members of society. In my opinion, both
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperation
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than competition.

On one hand, as we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
competitive society, we need to teach our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
the sense of competition in a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
way. The most obvious advantage to encourage competition among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them more creative and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
open minded
and opens the doors for better future opportunities for them. For illustration,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
in the study
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they compete with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
classmates to receive high marks, this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
job in the future.
Moreover
, they become more independent and rely on themselves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they know that nobody else will be there to do their duties.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperation
is mandatory to
be encouraged
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to learn from each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
.
For example
, when I was at school team, I learned how to play table
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
tennis
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
with
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
my
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
friends and
we learn a lot
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
from each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
and when we play in the final round with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
school teams,
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
score in the final.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperation
teaches
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
linked to sharing,
as a result
, they become a kind member of society.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperation
is the key component for better personality
as well
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
from individuality.

To sum up, both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperation
and competition have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
advantages.
However
, I tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperation
should
be encouraged
more in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. v. 41

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
274 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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