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Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. v.40

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. v. 40
Nowadays, the purpose of education has changed in Korea. There are some People who think that competition in children should be made, also others believe that children who are taught to co-operate as well as become more useful adults. There are advantages and disadvantages for both of the arguments. To begin with, what is good if a sense of competition m children is made? They could develop themselves more and more as they learn and study a lot to win the competition. To prove this, in Korea, it is popular - even common now - to have a tutor who comes to student's house to teach extra pieces of study with paying a lot of money. They learn faster than what they learn at school. Furthermore, during the vacations, students study abroad to learn English for a month instead of revise school work. If they have experiments such as study abroad, it is one of the greatest plus points to go to the famous well-known high-school. Moreover, there are four big school exam and two national examinations to test students' level of studies. Generally, only the highest 40% can go to the good quaternary high schools and colleges. Children learn as much as they can, to win the competition to obtain good quality schools. On the other hand, as they are busy to enter the schools and study individually with their own tutors, there are problems. They become selfish. They become careless and don't help others a lot if it is about studies. There will be no co-operations for them. Then, why are there companies for many people to work in? Each of them is clever, however, there are weak parts and strong parts for each person. To co-operate is to improve this part. People talk and listen to what others thinking of and learn. That could also be a great opportunity to learn instead of learning alone with one teacher. In conclusion, I strongly agree with that children should be taught to co-operate rather than compete. Nobody is perfect. People learn together, work together to develop each other. Therefore, I want parents and teachers to educate children concentrating on co-operation, not compete and ranking them.
Nowadays, the purpose of education has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
in Korea. There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be made
,
also
others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
are taught
to co-operate
as well
as become more useful adults. There are advantages and disadvantages for both of the arguments.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, what is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
if a sense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
m
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is made
? They could develop themselves more and more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
a lot to win the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
. To prove this, in Korea, it is popular
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
even common
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
to have a tutor who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to student's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
to teach extra pieces of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
with paying
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
money. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
faster than what they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
.
Furthermore
, during the vacations, students
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
abroad to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
English for a month
instead
of revise
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
work. If they have experiments such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
abroad, it is one of the greatest plus points to go to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
well-known high-school.
Moreover
, there are four
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "exams"?
exam
and two national examinations to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
students' level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
Generally
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the highest 40% can go to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
quaternary high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and colleges.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
as much as they can, to win the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
to obtain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
quality schools.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, as they are busy to enter the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
individually
with their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
tutors, there are problems. They become selfish. They become careless and don't
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
others a lot if it is about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
. There will be no co-operations for them. Then, why are there
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to work in? Each of them is clever,
however
, there are weak parts and strong parts for each person. To co-operate is to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
this part.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
talk and listen to what others thinking of and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
. That could
also
be a great opportunity to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
instead
of learning alone with one teacher.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be taught
to co-operate
rather
than compete. Nobody is perfect.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
learn
together, work together to develop each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
.
Therefore
, I want parents and teachers to educate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
concentrating on co-operation, not compete and ranking them.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. v. 40

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
366 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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