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Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.29

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. v. 29
Currently, the issue of children’s upbringing lies at the heart of major societal concerns. While it is considered by some that rivalry could be beneficial for juveniles, I support the view of those who claim that cooperation skills are of paramount importance. On the one hand, some people might argue that a sense of competition motivates children and teaches them to be self-responsible. In fact, competition inspires one to prove their intelligence or strength owing to respectable recognition at the end, namely great scores, new records or trophies. To exemplify, all the tournaments in the world are based on the spirit of rivalry as it encourages people to demonstrate their incredible abilities. As for self-responsibility, competition teaches children to be responsible for their own actions. A reason for that is a lack of external support during a rivalry, such as an advice from parents or a team. Hence, if children participate in myriad competitions, their sense of motivation and self-responsibility will be enhanced. On the other hand, I am certain that cooperation abilities are much more sufficient than competitions. In my view, it will help children to adjust to their life in future. To illustrate, more than 80% of companies all over the world are divided into departments, the latter are structured into teams whereas teams are divided into groups. This means that children all the time will work in a surrounding of a few team members and, therefore, children must know how to interact with them. Cooperation teaches minors how to communicate with others, to resolve disputes or why team work is essential. Thus, coworking educates children with basic working skills, thereby increasing their chances for successful adaptation at work in the future. To summarise, some stipulate that a spirit of rivalry teaches juveniles with self-responsibility and provides them with motivation. Nevertheless, I am inclined to believe that cooperation overcomes a sense of competition since it is a vital component of children’s further adjustment to life.
Currently
, the issue of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
upbringing lies at the heart of major societal concerns. While it
is considered
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rivalry
could be beneficial for juveniles, I support the view of those who claim that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
are of paramount importance.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
might argue that a sense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
motivates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaches
them to be self-responsible. In fact,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
inspires one to prove their intelligence or strength owing to respectable recognition at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
,
namely
great scores, new records or trophies. To exemplify, all the tournaments in the world
are based
on the spirit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rivalry
as it encourages
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to demonstrate their incredible abilities. As for self-responsibility,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaches
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to be responsible for their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
actions. A reason for
that is
a lack of external support during a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rivalry
, such as
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "advice".
an advice
from parents or a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
.
Hence
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
participate in myriad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitions
, their sense of motivation and self-responsibility will
be enhanced
.

On the other hand
, I am certain that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperation
abilities are much more sufficient than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitions
. In my view, it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to adjust to their life
Did you mean: "in the future"?
in future
. To illustrate, more than 80% of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
all over the world
are divided
into departments, the latter
are structured
into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teams
whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teams
are divided
into groups. This means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
all the time will work in a surrounding of a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
members and,
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
know how to interact with them.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Cooperation
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaches
minors how to communicate with others, to resolve disputes or why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
team
work is essential.
Thus
, coworking educates
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with basic working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
, thereby increasing their chances for successful adaptation at work in the future.

To
Possible spelling mistake. 'summarise' is British English.
summarise
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
stipulate that a spirit of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rivalry
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
teaches
juveniles with self-responsibility and provides them with motivation.
Nevertheless
, I
am inclined
to believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cooperation
overcomes a sense of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
since it is a vital component of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
further
adjustment to life.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults. v. 29

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
327 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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