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some people think sense of competition in children should be encouraged, other believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.1

some people think sense of competition in children should be encouraged, other believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. v. 1
People have different views about upbringing of children. Some say that children should be motivated for competition, while other think that cooperation is more important to be encouraged in children. This essay will discuss both view points in subsequent paragraph and conclusion will be made. To start with, people who think that sense of competition should be motivated in children depict following ideas. Firstly, competition teach children how to deal difficult situation soliditary. Secondaly, It maintain excitement and zeal among the children. After that, sometimes competition becomes neccessary. For example, in sports one has to win and other has to lose. So they think it helps children in every aspect of their life because most of the time one has to deal obstacle of his life own his own. On the other hand, some argue that competition makes children selfish and it makes children isolated, however, cooperation encourages sense of harmony, respect each other and work in teams. They also think what people learn in their childhood stick together with them for whole life. Moreover, children who study in groups get more marks than who study alone. For instance, there is a report on students from South Asia that 78% of pupils who study in groups get better grades. In conclusion, although there are handful of people who think that competition is more important due to the fact it teaches children to get out of difficult situation alone. Nevertheless, I believe cooperation helps children more to become a successful person in life.
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People
have
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different
views about upbringing of
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children
.
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Some
say that
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children
should
be motivated
for
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competition
, while
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other
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think
that cooperation is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to
be encouraged
in
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children
. This essay will discuss both view points in subsequent paragraph and conclusion will
be made
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with,
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people
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who
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think
that sense of
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competition
should
be motivated
in
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children
depict following
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
ideas
.
Firstly
,
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competition
teach
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children
how to deal difficult situation
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soliditary
.
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Secondaly
, It
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maintain
excitement and zeal among the
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children
. After that,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
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competition
becomes
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neccessary
.
For example
, in sports one
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has to
win and
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other
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has to
lose.
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So
they
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think
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
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children
in every aspect of their
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life
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because
most of the time one
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has to
deal obstacle of his
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life
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.

On the
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other
hand,
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some
argue that
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competition
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
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children
selfish and it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
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children
isolated,
however
, cooperation encourages sense of harmony, respect each
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other
and work in teams. They
also
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think
what
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people
learn in their childhood stick together with them for whole
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life
.
Moreover
,
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children
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who
study in groups
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more marks than
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who
study alone.
For instance
, there is a report on students from South Asia that 78% of pupils
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who
study in groups
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better grades.

In conclusion
, although there are
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "handfuls", "handsful"?
handful
of
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competition
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
due to the fact it teaches
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
out of difficult situation alone.
Nevertheless
, I believe cooperation
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
more to become a successful person in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
40Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay some people think sense of competition in children should be encouraged, other believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
252 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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