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Some people say that the best way to improve public heath is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both views and give your own v.1

Some people say that the best way to improve public heath is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. 1
That is a common believe that one of the most important problems with the increasing world population is that of producing foods for a large number of people. As a solution, some human beings have some thoughts that GM foods (genetically modified foods) are valid for these issues. Actually, I disagree with this opinion due to special reasons. First of all, I believe that genetically modified foods are unhealthy for people. GM foods – which is also called as genetically engineered foods – that their structures of DNA are changed by scientists. As GM foods are not beneficial for humans, they cause people have different diseases. In addition, their effects may create big problems while the person is not aware of those. One reason behind is this GM foods take part by not allowing people to live longer and healthier. As a result of this, it causes the decreasing of human race gradually, although it is said that expanding world population is a trouble on account of feeding them. Furthermore, some people think that it is an advantage of GM foods being available in any season. It may facilitate their works, such as a cooking berry cake of berry lover in winter, however, it is a fact that eating vegetable or fruit in their own season is much more better than the other one. Moreover, genetically modified foods may give bad reactions in person, for example, they cause rash on the human body. In conclusion, to my mind the thought of feeding the population with GM foods is not useful at all. People can think that is the best way, but that is exactly the end of the human race itself.
That is
a common believe that one of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
problems with the increasing world population is that of producing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
for
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. As a solution,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
beings have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
thoughts that GM
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
(
genetically
modified
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods)
are valid for these issues. Actually, I disagree with this opinion due to special reasons.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
genetically
modified
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are unhealthy for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. GM
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
which is
also
called as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
genetically
engineered
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
that their structures of DNA are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
by scientists. As GM
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are not beneficial for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
, they cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
diseases.
In addition
, their effects may create
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
problems while the person is not aware of those. One reason behind is this GM
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
by not allowing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
longer and healthier.
As a result
of this, it causes the decreasing of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
race
gradually
, although it
is said
that expanding world population is a trouble on account of feeding them.

Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that it is an advantage of GM
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
being available in any season. It may facilitate their works, such as a cooking berry cake of berry lover in winter,
however
, it is a fact that eating vegetable or fruit in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
season is much
Use only "better" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more better
than the other one.
Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
genetically
modified
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
may give
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
reactions in person,
for example
, they cause rash on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
body.

In conclusion
, to my mind the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
of feeding the population with GM
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
is not useful at all.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that is
the best way,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
that is
exactly the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
race itself.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that the best way to improve public heath is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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