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Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. v.38

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. v. 38
With the advent of IT revolution, in the 20th century, the lifestyle of present generations is sedentary, owing to the nature of work they do, like mostly sitting in front of computers for almost half of the day. So, to keep your fitness level high one must burn fat by doing some exercise or outdoor activities. Some critics assert that governments should invest more on outdoor games, whereas another section argue that there are other various ways to improve the physical fitness. Both of these methods, has their own advantages which will be discussed in this essay and it will be concluded with an opinion. One of the prominent reason why masses believe that by playing sports such as football, tennis, the unwanted calories are burnt very quickly, while enjoying the sports. In other words, having fun activity along with the benefits of improving fitness can easily attract the present generation. In a community park near my home, for example, I see children play footballs daily and they will definitely have a better staminas and strength. Moreover, these classes of activities reduce engagement of adolescent with the laptop or mobile games, which has a damaging effect on the eyes and brain. However, such rigorous games require extra time from your daily routine, so they cannot involve all segments. On the other hand, the public authorities can invest to build a well connected public transport system, so that office commuters as well as the general public can use it for daily commuting, as a result majority of the population will be involved with some level of physical activity in their routine, which means no need to devote extra time for exercise. For example, referring to the latest WHO report on comparison of health standards across the world, the life expectancy in Japan is higher, because 95% of the people use public transport rather than the personal cars. Moreover, this will reduce the air pollution and make the environment cleaner, consequently everyone can breathe fresh and cleaner air, thereby bolstering the better health standards. To conclude, the superior way to engage the community for better health standards is not by encouraging them to involve in sports, but investing better in public infrastructure mainly, transport which can target wider age group.
With the advent of IT revolution, in the 20th century, the lifestyle of present generations is sedentary, owing to the nature of work they do, like
mostly
sitting in front of computers for almost half of the day.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
your fitness level high one
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
burn
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
by doing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
exercise or outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
critics assert that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
should invest more on outdoor games, whereas another section argue that there are other various ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the physical fitness. Both of these methods, has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
advantages which will
be discussed
in this essay and it will
be concluded
with an opinion.

One of the prominent reason why masses believe that by playing sports such as football, tennis, the unwanted calories
are burnt
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
quickly
, while enjoying the sports.
In other words
, having fun
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
along with the benefits of improving fitness can
easily
attract the present generation. In a community park near my home,
for example
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
children play footballs
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
daily and
they will definitely have a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
Possible spelling mistake found.
staminas
and strength.
Moreover
, these classes of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
engagement of adolescent with the laptop or mobile games, which has a damaging effect on the eyes and brain.
However
, such rigorous games require extra time from your daily routine,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they cannot involve all segments.

On the other hand
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
authorities can invest to build a
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well connected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
transport system,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that office commuters
as well
as the general
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it for daily commuting,
as a result
majority of the population will
be involved
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
level of physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
in their routine, which means no need to devote extra time for exercise.
For example
, referring to the latest WHO report on comparison of health standards across the world, the life expectancy in Japan is higher,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
95% of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
transport
rather
than the personal cars.
Moreover
, this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the air pollution and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the environment cleaner,
consequently
everyone can breathe fresh and cleaner air, thereby bolstering the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
health standards.

To conclude
, the superior way to engage the community for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
health standards is not by encouraging them to involve in sports,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
investing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
better
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
infrastructure
mainly
, transport which can target wider age group.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. v. 38

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
378 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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