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Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both views. v.20

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. v. 20
It is believed by many that to sharpen the health of the population, the government should increase the number of sports facilities, whereas others hold the opinion that it is not forecast to have good effects on public health and to solve this phenomenon are required other means. First and foremost, it is inclined by some people that in these days the quantity of sports facilities are lower and the government should add new ones to improve the health of the society. Moreover, sometimes it is considered that that this obstacle is only the fault of the government and they should think some solutions to this. For instance, the government may encourage the society, both the oldest and the youngest to attend and give a regular physical activity. On the other hand, there is also a belief that it is not the trouble of the government and a human should think about one’s health by themselves. Initially, there also exist some views that adding new facilities in other parts of the city is calculated to have a little effects on the generation. So, the only and the main solution to this phenomenon is the complication of a human and there also exist, such kind of a statement that each person should think about own health personally, as in this digital era very few will help a person who has need of help or advice. To summarize, some part of people guess that it is vital that the government enhance the number of sport facilities in other parts of the city, although others think that it is not the problem of the government. My personal view is that each of us should think about our health and it is not the fault of the government, so it will be unreal and unjustified step if one tries to judge someone by its bad and unhealthy life.
It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
that to sharpen the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of the population, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should increase the number of sports facilities, whereas others hold the opinion that it is not forecast to have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
effects on public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and to solve this phenomenon
are required
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
means.

First
and foremost, it
is inclined
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
that in these days the quantity of sports facilities are lower and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
add
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ones
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of the society.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
it
is considered
Possible typo: you repeated a word
that that
this obstacle is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
the fault of the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
government and
they should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
solutions to this.
For instance
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
may encourage the society, both the oldest and the youngest to attend and give a regular physical activity.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there is
also
a belief that it is not the trouble of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
and a human should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
about one’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
by themselves.
Initially
, there
also
exist
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
views that adding new facilities in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
parts of the city
is calculated
to have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
effects on the generation.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
and the main solution to this phenomenon is the complication of a human and there
also
exist, such
If 'kind' is a classification term, 'a' is not necessary. Use "kind of". (The phrases 'kind of' and 'sort of' are informal if they mean 'to some extent'.)
kind of a
statement that each person should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
about
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
personally
, as in this digital era
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
few will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
a person who has need of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
or advice.

To summarize
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
part of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
guess that it is vital that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
enhance the number of sport facilities in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
parts of the city, although others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
that it is not the problem of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
. My personal view is that each of us should
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
think
about our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and it is not the fault of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
it will be unreal and unjustified step if one tries to judge someone by its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
and unhealthy life.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. v. 20

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
314 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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