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Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sport facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required v.2

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sport facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required v. 2
It is argued by some people that the improvement of the sport amenities is the finest way to improve health of society. While others say that other laws are mandatory as previous statement would have a small impact on public health. In my opinion, although enhanced sport facilities helps to improve people’s health, taking other measures such as prohibition of smoking is a better solution. On the one hand, enhanced sport facilities help in improving public health by reducing obesity related problems. This is because when sport centres are upgraded with the new equipment, it draws people’s attention so that more public show interest in using those facilities thus leading them to exercise. As a result, they will have less chance of getting overweight related problems such as heart attack, blood pressure, and diabetes. For example, a research conducted by the John Hopkins University in Denmark found that after the upgrade of the Denmark city sport centre a decade ago, it saw a spike in the number of people using the facilities, therefore the city recorded a less number of obesity related problems compared to other cities since then. However, I believe that other steps such as ban on smoking is required to improve health of teeming populace. On the other hand, other steps such as ban on smoking will have more impact than improving sport equipment because it will lessen the impact of smoking related problems in everyone. This is to say that the prohibition of smoking not only save health of people who actually smoke, but also the passive smoker health when active smoker smoke in public thus reducing smoking related problems such as cancer and heart attack. For instance, a research conducted by the Health Department of India found that 70% of cancer cases reported last year are the result of smoking, of them 50% are active smokers and 20% are passive smokers thus having ban on smoking would have saved them from cancer. In conclusion, even though enhanced sport facilities improve people wellbeing, taking other measures such as ban on smoking is a more preferable option because it will have more positive impact on society.
It
is argued
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that the improvement of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
amenities is the finest way to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of society.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
others say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
laws are mandatory as previous statement would have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
impact
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
. In my opinion, although enhanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
facilities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
, taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
measures such as prohibition of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is a better solution.

On the one hand, enhanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
facilities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
in improving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
by reducing obesity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
are upgraded
with the new equipment, it draws
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
attention
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
interest in using those facilities
thus
leading them to exercise.
As a result
, they will have less chance of getting overweight
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
such as heart attack, blood pressure, and diabetes.
For example
,
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
conducted by the John Hopkins University in Denmark found that after the upgrade of the Denmark city
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
a decade ago, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
a spike in the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
using the facilities,
therefore
the city recorded a less number of obesity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
cities since then.
However
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
steps such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ban
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is required
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of teeming populace.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
steps such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ban
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
will have more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
impact
than improving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
equipment
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will lessen the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
impact
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in everyone. This is to say that the prohibition of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
save
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who actually smoke,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
the passive smoker
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
when active smoker smoke in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
thus
reducing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
related
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
such as cancer and heart attack.
For instance
,
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
a research
conducted by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Health
Department of India found that 70% of cancer cases reported last year are the result of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
, of them 50% are active smokers and 20% are passive smokers
thus
having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ban
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
would have saved them from cancer.

In conclusion
,
even though
enhanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
facilities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
improve
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
Possible spelling mistake found.
wellbeing
, taking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
measures such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ban
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is a more preferable option
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it will have more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
impact
on society.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
63Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS essay Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sport facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
359 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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