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Some people believe that visiters to other countries should follow local customs and behavior. Other disagree and think that the host country should welcome culture differences. Discuss both there views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some people believe that visiters to other countries should follow local customs and behavior. Other disagree and think that the host country should welcome culture differences. v. 1
In the recent decades, a significant increase in the number of crime rates due to the lack of education and unemployment. Therefore, some people think that the most effective way to decline the amount of crime rate is educating the prisoners and encouraging them to move on society by providing the employment and acceptance by society also. I certainly agree and highlighted the views in the following essay. On the one hand, nobody is involved in criminal activity since born. Unless and until, owing to the circumstances which are person becomes victimized of doing criminal activity. In reality, due to the lack of education and unemployment, burdened by large family group in lower area of town or city are suffering more as compare to educated people. They eventually became gangster or robbers or even more drug addicted. For instance, for snatching someones possession or kidnapping by any means to fulfil his desire, is the criminal action. Therefore, educating criminals in prison are the most efficient pathway to decrease the crime life. Furthermore, encourage them by providing suitable opportunity to establish their family. This awareness should be done by government or non-profit organization for providing vocational or academic programmes for prisoners. Moreover, the role of society should also play a crucial role by giving helping hands and acceptance to the ex-prisoners, because of treating harsh behaviour or ignorance could move them back into that dark past. For example, in the Pakistan Edhi centre in one of the recognized volunteer organization who are responsible to convert criminals into a good human being. To conclude, educating is the best route for their rehabilitation and successful initiation into the community and improves the person's credentials. Just because someone is prisoner, it does not mean that they cannot learn education or acquire employment.
In the recent decades, a significant increase in the number of crime rates due to the lack of education and unemployment.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the most effective way to decline the amount of crime rate is educating the prisoners and encouraging them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
on society by providing the employment and acceptance by society
also
. I
certainly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
and highlighted the views in the following essay.

On the one hand, nobody
is involved
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
activity since born. Unless and until, owing to the circumstances which are person becomes victimized of doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
activity. In reality, due to the lack of education and unemployment, burdened by large family group in lower area of town or city are suffering more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compare to educated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. They
eventually
became gangster or robbers or even more drug addicted.
For instance
, for snatching someones possession or kidnapping by any means to fulfil his desire, is the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
action.

Therefore
, educating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
in prison are the most efficient pathway to decrease the crime life.
Furthermore
, encourage them by providing suitable opportunity to establish their family. This awareness should
be done
by
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
or non-profit organization for providing vocational or academic
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
for prisoners.
Moreover
, the role of society should
also
play a crucial role by giving helping hands and acceptance to the ex-prisoners,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of treating harsh
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
or ignorance could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
them back into that dark past.
For example
, in the Pakistan
Possible spelling mistake found.
Edhi
Possible spelling mistake. 'centre' is British English.
centre
in one of the recognized volunteer organization who are responsible to convert
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
into a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
human being.

To conclude
, educating is the best route for their rehabilitation and successful initiation into the community and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
the person's credentials.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
someone is prisoner, it does not mean that they cannot learn education or acquire employment.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that visiters to other countries should follow local customs and behavior. Other disagree and think that the host country should welcome culture differences. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
298 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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