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Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work. How do you think children should spend their free time? v.7

Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work. How do you think children should spend their free time? v. 7
Famous people live in the constant glare of media and fame brings with it both benefits and drawbacks. Even so, in my opinion, the advantages of being a well-known person outweigh the disadvantages. The main problem of being a famous person is the excessive public and media attention. One of the biggest concerns of celebrities is the lack of privacy. They have a number of followers eager to peep into their personal lives and that encourages media to publish every bit and piece of their life. This can sometimes lead to problems because celebrities are normal people like everyone else and they cannot conduct themselves perfectly at all times. For instance, recently a famous actor expressed his discomfort when one of his fans attempted to take pictures with him during a marriage function. It became flash news immediately and people instantly jumped to the conclusion that he was an arrogant person who could not treat his followers. Such incidents tarnish the image of celebrities and in order to avoid them, celebrities have to restrict themselves from behaving naturally in public and be extremely cautious all the time. On the flip side, there are many more advantages to being a celebrity. One of the biggest advantages of fame is that it opens the gate to wealth. National and international brands pay well-known people huge amounts of money to endorse their products. Celebrities also exert considerable influence on the society. Their followers listen to them and imitate them blindly. Celebrities can make a positive difference to the world by lending their support to various causes. Their fame and influence may even help them build a career in politics. Obviously, there are multiple advantages to being a celebrity. In conclusion, the main disadvantage of being a celebrity is the breach of privacy. However, it pales in comparison to the many advantages that fame brings.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in the constant glare of media and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
brings with it both benefits and drawbacks. Even
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
, in my opinion, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
of being a well-known person outweigh the disadvantages.

The main problem of being a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
person is the excessive public and media attention. One of the biggest concerns of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
is the lack of privacy. They have a number of followers eager to peep into their personal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and that encourages media to publish every bit and piece of their life. This can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
lead to problems
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are normal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like everyone
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
else and
they cannot conduct themselves
perfectly
at all times.
For instance
, recently a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
actor expressed his discomfort when one of his fans attempted to take pictures with him during a marriage function. It became flash news immediately and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
instantly
jumped to the conclusion that he was an arrogant person who could not treat his followers. Such incidents tarnish the image of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
and in order to avoid them,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
restrict themselves from behaving
naturally
in public and be
extremely
cautious all the time.

On the flip side, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
to being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
. One of the biggest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
is that it opens the gate to wealth. National and international brands pay well-known
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
huge amounts of money to endorse their products.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Celebrities
also
exert considerable influence on the society. Their followers listen to them and imitate them
blindly
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Celebrities
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
difference to the world by lending their support to various causes. Their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
and influence may even
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them build a career in politics.
Obviously
, there are multiple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
to being a celebrity.

In conclusion
, the main disadvantage of being a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrity
is the breach of privacy.
However
, it pales
in comparison
to the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
advantages
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fame
brings.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work. How do you think children should spend their free time? v. 7

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
311 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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