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Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work. How do you think children should spend their free time? v.6

Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work. How do you think children should spend their free time? v. 6
Nowadays both parents and teachers give undue importance to academic grades. Some people feel that since children get too much free time, they should use it to do their school work. I do not agree with this view. To start with, the argument that children get too much free time does not hold water. Most of them already spend 7 or 8 hours at school and afterwards they have coaching classes to attend and homework to do. Most kids receive barely one or two hours of free time in a day and asking them to use that time for school work is outrageous to say the least. Over emphasis on academics stems from the belief that schooll grades are an indicator of a child’s future success. However, this is not always the case. If we look around we can see that many of the super successful people in our world are college dropouts. While it is true that we are now living in an age of cut throat competition there is nothing to prove that only A graders can succeed in life. Success, in fact, depends on a variety of factors and academic grades are just one of them. A person’s communication skills, overall personality and character traits also play a crucial role in determining their chances of finding success and happiness in life. Therefore, in my opinion, parents should encourage children to pursue their non-academic interests during their free time. For example, they should be allowed to play a sport or learn a musical instrument. Engaging in such activities is a great opportunity for them to beat stress and gain physical strength and stamina. To conclude, leisure is important for the overall development of children and hence instead of asking them to complete their school work during their free time, parents should allow them to play and be themselves.
Nowadays both parents and teachers give undue importance to academic grades.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
feel that since
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
it to do their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
work. I do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, the argument that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
does not hold water. Most of them already spend 7 or 8 hours at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and afterwards they have coaching classes to attend and homework to do. Most kids receive
barely
one or two hours of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in a day and asking them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
work is outrageous to say the least. Over emphasis on academics stems from the belief that
Possible spelling mistake found.
schooll
grades are an indicator of a child’s future success.
However
, this is not always the case.
“If” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
If
we look around we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of the super successful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in our world are college dropouts.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
it is true that we are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
living in an age of
'cut throat' seems to be a compound adjective in front of a noun. Use a hyphen: "cut-throat".
cut throat
competition there is nothing to prove that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "A grader" or simply "graders"?
A graders
can succeed in life. Success, in fact, depends on a variety of factors and academic grades are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
one of them. A person’s communication
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
overall
personality and character traits
also
play a crucial role in determining their chances of finding success and happiness in life.

Therefore
, in my opinion, parents should encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to pursue their non-academic interests during their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
For example
, they should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to play a sport or learn a musical instrument. Engaging in such activities is a great opportunity for them to beat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and gain physical strength and stamina.

To conclude
, leisure is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for the
overall
development of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
and
hence
instead
of asking them to complete their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
work during their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, parents should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to play and be themselves.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work. How do you think children should spend their free time? v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
310 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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