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Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work. To what extent do you agree to that? How do you think children should spend their free time? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. v.2

Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work. How do you think children should spend their free time? v. 2
Childhood is a crucial period of one’s life. However, nowadays a major fragment of a student’s routine is spent in school doing school work. Some people are of the opinion that children have too much free time and this should be utilised in doing school work only, to which I have dissenting views. First of all, children spend approximately 8 hours of a day in the school; therefore, it is necessary for them to spend some time in leisure activities in order to refresh their overburdened minds. Moreover, engaging in school work only and not participating in any extracurricular activity will make their life dull and monotonous. In addition to this, problems of obesity and certain kind of diseases may arise because of sedentary lifestyle among pupils. For instance, a recent study has shown that children who are indulged in physical activities are more focused and perform exceptionally well in their studies as well. In my opinion, school going children must be encouraged to play games such as football or handball which will not only increase their fitness level but also develop many other qualities helping them in their holistic growth. Further, they must be emboldened to start a hobby such as reading comics, gardening or even painting, which will enhance creativity and it can be even chosen as carrier prospect in the later part of their life. To recapitulate, albeit it is necessary for the young learners to engage in academics, it may have negative aspects as well and students must be motivated to spend time in fun activities which will have positive impacts on their lives.
Childhood is a crucial period of one’s life.
However
, nowadays a major fragment of a student’s routine
is spent
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
work.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have too much free time and this should be
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
in doing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
, to which I have dissenting views.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
spend approximately 8 hours of a day in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
;
therefore
, it is necessary for them to spend
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time in leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
in order to refresh their overburdened minds.
Moreover
, engaging in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
and not participating in any extracurricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their life dull and monotonous.
In addition
to this, problems of obesity and certain kind of diseases may arise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of sedentary lifestyle among pupils.
For instance
, a recent study has shown that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
are indulged
in physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are more focused and perform
exceptionally
well in their studies
as well
.

In my opinion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be encouraged
to play games such as football or handball which will not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
increase their fitness level
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
develop
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
other qualities helping them in their holistic growth.
Further
, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be emboldened
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
a hobby such as reading comics, gardening or even painting, which will enhance creativity and it can be even chosen as carrier prospect in the later part of their life.

To recapitulate, albeit it is necessary for the young learners to engage in academics, it may have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspects
as well
and students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be motivated
to spend time in fun
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
which will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about.
Benjamin Lee Whorf

IELTS essay Some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work. How do you think children should spend their free time? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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