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some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work. How do you think children should spend the free time. v.1

some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work. How do you think children should spend the free time. v. 1
It is sometimes thought that children should spend more time at school and less spar time at their disposal. This they believe can help children lear more which will benefit them at the longrun. In my opinion, I believe that free time should be use to acquire new skills or engage in sporting activities that could benefit them and the society rather than on school work. Firstly, school work are important and should be done within the school hours. Free time can be used for other activities that could help increase the children's productivity such as, learning a new skills. Through this, children are able to learn something different that can be of value to them and perhaps the society in the longrun. For instance a survey in the entertainment industry revealed that, 90% of musicians today learnt the act of singing during their childhood. this skills turned out to be their career in the end. Another activities to consider during spar time is engaging in sports. By so doing, children are able to have fun and bond with their peers. This helps to build their inter-personal relationship skills and also improve their health. For example, children involved in sporting activities are less prone to obesity and are able also influence the way the parents live. Parents can encourage their children by keeping fit and staying healthy. In conclusion, freetime should be used for productive activities that enhance the lives of children rather than just school work. children should be encourage to take up activities at spar time that are beneficial to them and the society at large.
It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should spend more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
and less spar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at their disposal. This they believe can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
Possible spelling mistake found.
lear
more which will benefit them at the
Possible spelling mistake found.
longrun
. In my opinion, I believe that free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
should be
Make sure that 'use to' is correct. For habitual actions in the past or to mean 'accustomed to', use "used to".
use to
acquire new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
or engage in sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that could benefit them and the society
rather
than on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
work.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
work are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
and should
be done
within the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
hours. Free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
increase the children's productivity such as, learning a new
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "skill"?
skills
. Through this,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are able to learn something
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
that can be of value to them and perhaps the society in the
Possible spelling mistake found.
longrun
.
For instance
a survey in the entertainment industry revealed that, 90% of musicians
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
Possible spelling mistake. 'learnt' is British English.
learnt
the act of singing during their childhood.
Did you mean "these"?
this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
turned out to be their career in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
.

Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to consider during spar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
is engaging in sports. By
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
doing,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are able to have fun and bond with their peers. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to build their inter-personal relationship
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their health.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
involved in sporting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are less prone to obesity and are able
also
influence the way the parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
. Parents can encourage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by keeping fit and staying healthy.

In conclusion
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
freetime
should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
for productive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
that enhance the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
rather
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
work.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
children
should be
Consider using the past participle "encouraged"?
encourage
Did you mean "taking"? Or maybe you should add a pronoun? In active voice, 'encourage' + 'to' takes an object, usually a pronoun.
to take
up
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
at spar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
that are beneficial to them and the society at large.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
11Mistakes
Learn a new language and get a new soul.
Czech Proverb

IELTS essay some people believe that children are given too much free time. They feel that this time should be used to do more school work. How do you think children should spend the free time. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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