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Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organisation. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed? v.21

Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organisation. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed? v. 21
An increasing number of youngsters choose to start their own business these days instead of working for other people. Moreover, a wide range of reputed and successful businessmen is also in support of these young entrepreneurs and they help these young-ones financially. However, I believe this phenomenon has both merits and demerits and one has to very careful before taking such a decision. There are many reasons for the increase in the number of start-up companies. To begin with, people face difficulty acquiring a job of their preference/liking in the highly competitive market. Individuals who want to perform in an esteemed organization or a well-paid job needs to possess high academic qualification degrees or years of work experience. Such requirements already disqualify a large section of job hunters. Next, a few people desire to become rich in a shorter period. To illustrate this, a business can earn a person a hefty sum of money overnight as all the profit goes to the pocket of the owner. However, there are several drawbacks to this. To start with, there is no guarantee that a self-employed person will earn enough to live a comfortable life. When people work for a company, they have the assurance of a guaranteed salary at the end of the month; however, when they work for themselves this guarantee is missing. Another disadvantage is that many self-employed people work day and night and do not get time to spend with their family and friends. Thus, it creates an imbalance in their work and personal life. Moreover, a huge difference can be seen in their daily routine which affects their health adversely. To recapitulate, working for oneself is definitely beneficial for young people because it enables them to work on their own terms; however, there are drawbacks such as the lack of a guaranteed salary that need to be considered before choosing to be an entrepreneur.
An increasing number of youngsters choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business these days
instead
of working for other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Moreover
, a wide range of reputed and successful businessmen is
also
in support of these young
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
entrepreneurs and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
these young-ones
financially
.
However
, I believe this phenomenon has both merits and demerits and one
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
careful
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
taking such a decision.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons for the increase in the number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
-up
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
face difficulty acquiring a job of their preference/liking in the
highly
competitive market. Individuals who want to perform in an esteemed organization or a well-paid job needs to possess high academic qualification degrees or years of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
experience. Such requirements already disqualify a large section of job hunters.
Next
, a few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
desire to become rich in a shorter period. To illustrate this, a business can earn a person a hefty sum of money overnight as all the profit goes to the pocket of the owner.

However
, there are several drawbacks to this. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
with, there is no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guarantee
that a self-employed person will earn
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
a comfortable life. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, they have the assurance of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guaranteed
salary at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the month;
however
, when they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for themselves this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guarantee
is missing. Another disadvantage is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
self-employed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
day and night and do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
time to spend with their family and friends.
Thus
, it creates an imbalance in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and personal life.
Moreover
, a huge difference can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in their daily routine which affects their health
adversely
.

To recapitulate, working for oneself is definitely beneficial for young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it enables them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
terms;
however
, there are drawbacks such as the lack of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
guaranteed
salary that need to
be considered
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
choosing to be an entrepreneur.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organisation. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed? v. 21

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
316 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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