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Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organisation. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed? v.18

Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organisation. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed? v. 18
At present, various people are working for themselves instead of working for a company or corporation. In my opinion, this is because it gets easier to establish a company than ever. Yet, the main disadvantage of being self-employed is having to take all the responsibilities related to business. It is the fact that it gets more readily for us to create our companies by ourselves. In many countries, to establish our companies all we have to do is just take several steps including filling out documents with a little money. For example, in Japan, there has been no minimum for capital since 2005 when the new law related to business was enacted. Also, global markets are open to us, as the Internet becomes prevalent around the world. Thus; wherever we are, we can do business with everybody, using the Internet, which facilitates establishing our companies with fewer people or by ourselves. Being self-employed, we have to take all the responsibilities associated with our own business. When working for ourselves, our income is completely dependent on ourselves and directly reflects how much we make profits. This can lead to long hours of work, which harm our health. Perhaps, we may be admitted to the hospital due to working hard. In this case, there are no benefits in helping our lives because of being self-employed. For instance, when I was a child, my father who ran the restaurant got sick from working hard and during its closing, our family experienced a hard time on account of lack of money. In conclusion, people would like to be self-employed workers since they have less difficulty establishing their own companies. However, being self-employed has the major drawback in a way that all the blames related to their companies has to be taken by themselves.
At present, various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for themselves
instead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
or corporation. In my opinion, this is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
easier to establish a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
than ever.
Yet
, the main disadvantage of being self-employed is having to take all the responsibilities related to business.

It is the fact that it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
gets
more
readily
for us to create our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
by ourselves. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries, to establish our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
all we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
take several steps including filling out documents with a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
money.
For example
, in Japan, there has been no minimum for capital since 2005 when the new law related to business
was enacted
.
Also
, global markets are open to us, as the Internet becomes prevalent around the world.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
; wherever we are, we can do business with everybody, using the Internet, which facilitates establishing our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
with fewer
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
or by ourselves.

Being self-employed, we
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
take all the responsibilities associated with our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
business. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
for ourselves, our income is completely dependent on ourselves and
directly
reflects how much we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
profits. This can lead to long hours of work, which harm our health. Perhaps, we may
be admitted
to the hospital due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
.
In this case
, there are no benefits in helping our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of being self-employed.
For instance
, when I was a child, my father who ran the restaurant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
sick from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and during its closing, our family experienced a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
time on account of lack of money.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
would like to be self-employed workers since they have less difficulty establishing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
.
However
, being self-employed has the major drawback in a way that all the blames related to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
companies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
be taken
by themselves.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS essay Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organisation. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed? v. 18

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
299 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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