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Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organisation. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed? v.13

Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organisation. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed? v. 13
It is often argued that one group of people prefer to work for themselves instead of working in a company. In my view, self-employment has some drawbacks the same as work for a company. First of all, many people want to be independent these days, because of that they prefer to work for themselves. For example, when a person doesn't have a boss, he or she can plan their holidays whenever he or she wants. Another reason why humans want to be self-employed is that they usually create their business based on their hobby, whereas people who work in a company usually have these jobs because they have no other choice. Furthermore, it is much more comfortable to work from home, because people do not have to worry about being late to the job or what to wear. On the other hand, there are several disadvantages that being self-employed cause some problems. One issue is that people will lack their knowledge because they will not contact with other colleagues or ask them for any help. In addition, they will have a dreary routine because every day will be exactly the same as others. Furthermore, If humans work from the one place all day, it will cause obesity problems. People will be lazy to go outside or to hang out with their friends, because they get used to work from home. To conclude, I hold the opinion that being self-employed has more disadvantages at the present. This is because people will get overweight and will reduce face-to-face communication between colleagues.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that one group of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for themselves
instead
of working in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
. In my view, self-employment has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks the same as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to be independent these days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of that they prefer to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
for themselves.
For example
, when a person doesn't have a boss, he or she can plan their holidays whenever he or she wants. Another reason why humans want to be self-employed is that they
usually
create their business based on their hobby, whereas
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
usually
have these jobs
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
choice.
Furthermore
, it is much more comfortable to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
from home,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
worry about being late to the job or what to wear.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, there are several disadvantages that being self-employed cause
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
problems. One issue is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will lack their knowledge
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they will not contact with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
colleagues or ask them for any
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
.
In addition
, they will have a dreary routine
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
every day will be exactly the same as others.
Furthermore
, If humans
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
from the one place all day, it will cause obesity problems.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
will be lazy to go outside or to hang out with their friends,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
from home.

To conclude
, I hold the opinion that being self-employed has more disadvantages at the present. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
overweight and will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
face-to-face communication between colleagues.
12Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organisation. Why might this be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed? v. 13

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
259 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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