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In many countries schools have severe problems with student behavior. What do you think are the causes of this? What solution can you suggest? v.2

In many countries schools have severe problems with student behavior. What do you think are the causes of this? What solution can you suggest? v. 2
In some parts of the world, intense problems because of the student behaviour is seen in the schools which it's causes and solutions discussed as follows. Nowadays, parents work a lot and actually, they do not have enough time to be at home next to their children to learn them how to behave in the different situations, especially in strict ones. This leads to bringing up a child with a lot of behaviour problems, which is shown when he goes to school, and especially when he shall make a proper decision in his communications, but he can't which could cause acute problems between students and also between principal and students, and these problems could continue and extend to the society if do not solve. Moreover, today, children could access rough games, films and videos through internet easily. Seeing these kinds of videos and also playing such kinds of games has negative and also destructive impact on our children’s behaviours, because they learn fighting and also imitate their speech easily, which get them to the trouble in the school. One solution for solving this problem is that, parents should manage their time efficiently so that they can be more at home spending time with their children. They also should try to be a friend with them and speak with them regularly. This speaking help them to feel more safety and also help them to say their problems and wants their parents to suggest them some solutions which lead to learn to behave as well as possible they can. Another solution is that, on one hand, parents shall supervise what games their children play and also what film or video they watch when they are in their room and on the other hand, their accessibility to the inappropriate sites shall be restricted, and they are not allowed to buy whatever they like, instead parents could guide them to buy exciting and appropriate films and games so that they could enjoy their leisure time next to learning proper behaviour. In conclusion, I believe that, two explanations for this problem could be our children's parents who work a lot and also their easy access to the internet, which shall be restricted and be under their parents supervision.
In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parts of the world, intense
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the student
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the schools which it's causes and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
discussed as follows.

Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
work a lot and actually, they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to be at home
next
to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to learn them how to behave in the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
situations,
especially
in strict ones. This leads to bringing up a child with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, which
is shown
when he goes to school, and
especially
when he shall
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a proper decision in his communications,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
he
Please check whether a verb is missing here.
can't which
could cause acute
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
between students and
also
between principal and students, and these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
could continue and extend to the society if do not solve.

Moreover
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
could access rough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, films and videos through internet
easily
. Seeing these kinds of videos and
also
playing such kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
and
also
destructive impact on our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they learn
If 'learn' is used as a verb, it usually requires the infinitive: "to fight".
fighting
and
also
imitate their speech
easily
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
them to the trouble in the school.

One
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
for solving this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
is that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
efficiently
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can be more at home spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. They
also
should try to be a friend with them and speak with them
regularly
. This speaking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to feel more safety and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to say their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
and wants their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to suggest them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
which lead to learn to behave
as well
as possible they can.

Another
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
is that, on one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
shall supervise what
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
play and
also
what film or video they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
when they are in their room and
on the other hand
, their accessibility to the inappropriate sites shall
be restricted
, and they are not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
whatever they like,
instead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
could guide them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
exciting and appropriate films and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they could enjoy their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
next
to learning proper
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.

In conclusion
, I believe that, two explanations for this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
could be our children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who work a lot and
also
their easy access to the internet, which shall
be restricted
and be under their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
supervision.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere.
Chinese Proverb

IELTS essay In many countries schools have severe problems with student behavior. What do you think are the causes of this? What solution can you suggest? v. 2

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
373 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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