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In many countries, schools have several problems with students’ behavior. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v.2

In many countries, schools have several problems with students’ behavior. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 2
Schools in several countries have major issues with the way students behave. Regular use of psychoactive substance among teenagers and the controversial view of discipline are the two main causes of this problem, while the most viable solution is changing the orientation of the public on these issues through public awareness carrying out death penalties. ‎ Bad behavior can manifest in so many ways. Teenagers today with more accessible to hard drugs tend to have such behavior. As a result of taking these mind-altering drugs, majority of them develop behavioral disorders and become rebellious, aggressive and sociopathic, and these are some of the inappropriate behavior that many schools have hard time dealing with. For example, the Drug Use Monitoring in Australia program found that 70% of student offenders tested positive to drugs while almost half (30%) reported having taken cannabis at the time when they committed crimes. What is more, many do not have a wholesome view of discipline. Some believe that punishing a child, like getting them out of the class, would negatively affect the child in later years, and therefore many schools in Japan avoid disciplining offending students. What is the consequence of this trend? This causes a lot of children repeatedly commit crimes in school. If no corrective measures in place for them are taken, this behavior takes a toll on the school. The most effective solution to this problem is changing the society' s orientation through public awareness and imposing a strict regulation. Students should be educated enough on the dangers of the use of psychoactive substance. Having this knowledge would help them avoid these behavior-altering-drugs. Also, the benefits of enforcing laws by punishing offending minors should be highlighted to parents and school authorities as this would go a long way in correcting this problem. In 2000, Canadian government allocated $15 million for a media campaign to raise awareness about the negative impacts of drugs for students while the death penalty for drug offences is socially introduced. In the following five years, the eventual result showed the dramatic reduction to 40% in hostile and aggressive behavior in students. Since then, majority of schools in Canada have launched an orientation program introducing schoolchildren the benefits of staying away from drugs. In conclusion, schools in many parts of the world have issues dealing with students’ behavior. The identified causes to this problem are the prevalent use of hard drugs among minors and the public unwholesome view of discipline, while the aforementioned solutions is the most practical way of correcting this problem.
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Schools
in several countries have major issues with the way
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
behave. Regular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of psychoactive substance among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and the controversial view of discipline are the two main causes of this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
, while the most viable solution is changing the orientation of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
on these issues through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
awareness carrying out death penalties. ‎

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Bad
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
can manifest in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
ways.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Teenagers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
with more accessible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
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drugs
tend to have such
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behavior
.
As a result
of taking these mind-altering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
,
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majority of
them develop behavioral disorders and become rebellious, aggressive and sociopathic, and these are
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
inappropriate
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behavior
that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
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schools
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
time dealing with.
For example
, the
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Drug
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Use
Monitoring in Australia program found that 70% of
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student
offenders
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tested
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
while almost half (30%) reported having taken cannabis at the time when they committed crimes.
What is more
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
do not have a wholesome view of discipline.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
believe that punishing a child, like getting them out of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
, would
negatively
affect the child in later years, and
therefore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
in Japan avoid disciplining offending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. What is the consequence of this trend? This causes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
children
repeatedly
commit crimes in
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school
. If no corrective measures in place for them
are taken
, this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
takes a toll on the school.

The most effective solution to this
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problem
is changing the
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society&
#039; s orientation through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
awareness and imposing a strict regulation.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Students
should
be educated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dangers
of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of psychoactive substance. Having this knowledge would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them avoid these behavior-altering-drugs.
Also
, the benefits of enforcing laws by punishing offending minors should
be highlighted
to parents and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
authorities as this would go a long way in correcting this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
. In 2000, Canadian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
allocated $15 million for a media campaign to raise awareness about the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
while the death penalty for
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drug
Possible spelling mistake. 'offences' is British English.
offences
is
socially
introduced. In the following five years, the eventual result
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
the dramatic reduction to 40% in hostile and aggressive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. Since then,
It seems that an article is missing.
majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
in Canada have launched an orientation program introducing schoolchildren the benefits of staying away from drugs.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
parts of the world have issues dealing with
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students’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
behavior
. The identified causes to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
are the prevalent
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
drugs
among minors and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
unwholesome view of discipline, while the aforementioned solutions is the most practical way of correcting this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problem
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
36Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
The man who does not know other languages, unless he is a man of genius, necessarily has deficiencies in his ideas.
Victor Hugo

IELTS essay In many countries, schools have several problems with students’ behavior. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
423 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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