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In many countries school have severe problems with student behavior. What do you think are the cause of this? What solution can you suggest? v.1

In many countries school have severe problems with student behavior. What do you think are the cause of this? What solution can you suggest? v. 1
Many believe that it is crucial to incorporate Physical Education in the syllabus for all school-age children, whereas others believe it is better spent on more educational subjects. I believe that it is up to the parent to decide whether they want their child to engage in athletics or not. On the one hand, some people believe it is necessary to allow children take part in Physical Education because they have the mindset that it brings about inclusiveness. Let’s look at kids that shy away from participating in classroom activities because they find it intimidating, having to engage in athletics which is fun most of the time may start to make them get involved in lecture rooms. Another example is that children do not easily grasp what is being taught in the classroom due to how a topic is being taught, an approach will be through physical activity. For example, a teacher using the Markerboard to explain what algebra is and the kids are finding it difficult to comprehend, physical activity whereby the students are paired and they get to sing the questions and demonstrate the answers could be a great way to make them easily understand. On the other hand, some people ‘s reasoning is that kid’s time is better spent on more educational subjects as this will improve their performance. For example, it will be logical for children with average grade points in some courses to look at other subjects which may be easier for them to do better in. Also, children whose parents are not financially stable will be required to study more as this might accord them scholarships to further their schooling. To reiterate, whether kids engage in physical education or not has its own pros and cons. Hence, I believe, it should be left to the parent to decide what’s best for their child.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it is crucial to incorporate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Physical
Education in the syllabus for all school-age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, whereas others
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
it is better spent on more educational subjects. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that it is up to the parent to decide whether they want their child to engage in athletics or not.

On the one hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
it is necessary to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Physical
Education
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they have the mindset that it brings about inclusiveness.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Let
’s look at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
that shy away from participating in classroom activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they find it intimidating, having to engage in athletics which is fun most of the time may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
involved in lecture rooms. Another example is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do not
easily
grasp what is
being taught
in the classroom due to how a topic is
being taught
, an approach will be through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activity.
For example
, a teacher using the
Possible spelling mistake found.
Markerboard
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
what algebra is and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
are finding it difficult to comprehend,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activity whereby the students are
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
paired and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to sing the questions and demonstrate the answers could be a great way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them
easily
understand.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
‘s reasoning is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kid’s
time is better spent on more educational subjects as this will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their performance.
For example
, it will be logical for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
with average grade points in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
courses to look at other subjects which may be easier for them to do better in.
Also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
whose parents are not
financially
stable will
be required
to study more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
this might accord them scholarships to
further
their schooling.

To reiterate, whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
engage in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
education or not has its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pros and cons.
Hence
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
, it should be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
left
to the parent to decide what’s best for their child.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries school have severe problems with student behavior. What do you think are the cause of this? What solution can you suggest? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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