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In many countries school have severe problem with student behavior. What do you think are the cause of this? What solution can you suggest? v.1

In many countries school have severe problem with student behavior. What do you think are the cause of this? What solution can you suggest? v. 1
It is unarguable that human life nowadays depends a lot of invention due to its spectacular benefits. Many people argue that the technological inventions in earlier ages were more beneficial to ordinary people. Personally, I completely disagree with this argument. There are several reasons why recent advancements in technology fields have more far-reaching consequences than they used to be in the early ages. The first important reason is that many modern technological devices which are created nowadays, are really beneficial. for example, the presence of computer and the Internet enables individuals to shop online conveniently, which makes human life definitely more convenient. With only a click of the mouse, it is possible to purchase merchandise such as clothes and daily necessities without even leaving our comfortable home Technological development also improves people’s work performance and simultaneously gives them a more effective leisure time as there are a number of equipment helps them do chores and entertains. The second noticeably prominent reason is that recently cutting-edge machinery help human recognize natural threats to humans and find solutions for crucial issues such as weather forecast, lack of energy’s sources, … in addition, space technology, the advent of space shuttles assists astronauts in carrying out space exploration programmes, which can broaden human’s horizons about not only terrestrial planets but also extraterrestrial lives on earth, such as supernovas or black holes. In conclusion, for the reasons I mentioned above, I strongly believe that new improvements in technology have proved to have greater positive impacts on the environment and the society than older ones.
It is unarguable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
life nowadays
The verb 'to depend' requires the preposition '(up)on': "depends on".
depends
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
invention due to its spectacular benefits.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that the technological inventions in earlier ages were more beneficial to ordinary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
Personally
, I completely disagree with this argument.

There are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
why recent advancements in technology fields have more far-reaching
The usual preposition to use after "consequences" is not "than". Did you mean "consequences of", "consequences for", or "consequences on"?
consequences than
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be in the early ages. The
first
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
modern technological devices which
are created
nowadays, are
really
beneficial.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
for
example, the presence of computer and the Internet enables individuals to shop online
conveniently
, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
life definitely more convenient. With
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a click of the mouse, it is possible to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
merchandise such as clothes and daily necessities without even leaving our comfortable home

Technological development
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s work performance and
simultaneously
gives them a more effective leisure time as there are a number of equipment
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them do chores and entertains. The second
noticeably
prominent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reason
is that recently cutting-edge machinery
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
recognize natural threats to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
humans
and find solutions for crucial issues such as weather forecast, lack of energy’s sources, …
in addition
, space technology, the advent of space shuttles assists astronauts in carrying out space exploration
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
, which can broaden
Possible typo. Did you mean: "human horizons"?
human’s horizons
about not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
terrestrial planets
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
extraterrestrial
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
on earth, such as supernovas or black holes.

In conclusion
, for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
reasons
I mentioned above, I
strongly
believe that new improvements in technology have proved to have greater
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impacts on the environment and the society than older ones.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay In many countries school have severe problem with student behavior. What do you think are the cause of this? What solution can you suggest? v. 1

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
259 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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