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Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.9

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. with this opinion? v. 9
In today’s world, music has aroused people’s discussion everywhere. It is sometimes argued that music has the potential of gathering people cross-culturally even if they are from different ages. I completely agree with this statement and this essay will clear it. There are many reasons that I consist music is one of the best ways for building strong relationship between different people. Firstly, it is one of the most popular hobbies in all around the world, so there are uncountable clubs, bands and groups which people could gather and have fun together. Secondly, music can create spiritual connection between folks. What happen in sport events is a good example of it, as most of the team has their own cheering and when it plays, almost all of the fans will song it regardless of their age or nationality. Finally, music creates an opportunity for folks to share their positive emotions. For instance, every year in carnivals around the world many people wine, dine, and dance with each other, no matter how old are they or where are they from. Moreover, there are many evidence based researches which indicate that music can be used as a therapeutic approach foe vide variety of disorders or mental struggles. For example, it is reported that a couple session of music therapy, could be helpful for treating anxiety in none sociable peoples and connecting these peoples with their peers. Beside all these discussion, there is a general fact about the art which claim that art is the mutual language of all people, as music is one of the different forms of arts, consequently it could have the essential power for bringing people together. In conclusion, it is especially important at this time which world appears to be more divided than every time, finding a way to build a cross-cultural relationship between people. I do believe that music could definitely be one of this way regarding its potentials.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has aroused
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
discussion everywhere. It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
argued that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has the potential of gathering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
cross-
culturally
even if they are from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ages. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement and this essay will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
it.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons that I consist
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is one of the best ways for building strong relationship between
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
Firstly
, it is one of the most popular hobbies in all around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
there are uncountable clubs, bands and groups which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could gather and have fun together.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can create spiritual
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
connection between
folks. What
Did you mean "happens"?
happen
in sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
events
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
example of it, as most of the team has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
cheering and when it plays, almost
Consider using "all the".
all of the
fans will song it regardless of their age or nationality.
Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
creates an opportunity for folks to share their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
emotions.
For instance
, every year in carnivals around the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
wine, dine, and dance with each other, no matter how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
are they or where are they from.

Moreover
, there are
Possible agreement error. The noun evidence seems to be uncountable; consider using: "much evidence", "a good deal of evidence".
many evidence
based researches which indicate that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
as a therapeutic approach foe vide variety of disorders or mental struggles.
For example
, it
is reported
that a couple session of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
therapy, could be helpful for treating anxiety in none sociable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
and connecting these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
peoples
with their peers. Beside all
Did you mean "this discussion" or "these discussions"?
these discussion
, there is a general fact about the art which claim that art is the mutual language of all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is one of the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
forms of arts,
consequently
it could have the essential power for bringing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
together.

In conclusion
, it is
especially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
at this time which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
world
appears to be more divided than every time, finding a way to build a cross-cultural relationship between
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. I do believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
could definitely be one of this way regarding its potentials.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
The most intimate temper of a people, its deepest soul, is above all in its language.
Jules Michelet

IELTS essay Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. with this opinion? v. 9

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
322 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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