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Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.8

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. with this opinion? v. 8
The past 50 years have seen a striking change in the music category. 30 years ago, rock genre was at the zenith, but now rock has been replaced by pop or rap music. There remains some disagreement as to whether music is bringing different people of varied culture and age together or not. While there are certainly valid arguments to the contrary, I personally believe that music is indeed bringing disparate people together. First of all, it is an indisputable fact that music is popular among all the generations. It is a typical stereotype that older generation prefers old school tunes like rock or alternative. The truth, however, is the young generation these days prefers rock and alternative over any other melodic genre. It is, hence, playing a major role in bringing people together. Indian music is known as the oldest music form. It has been ubiquitously blended in American, African music. Thus, it is familiarising Indian culture with those of the modern ones. One point which I believe to be absolutely pivotal is the role of technology in achieving this. With the advent of media platforms like YouTube, Apple music or Spotify, music has been a platform to unite people of different ages. A child sharing his favorite music with his mother over the phone or the other way around are examples of this. Nevertheless, there are other factors other than music that integrates different cultures and age groups. Movies or Tv shows can also do the same, but indeed music is a good way to achieve this. By way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that music is a major linking factor of divergent cultures and ages.
The past 50 years have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
a striking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
category. 30 years ago,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rock
genre was at the zenith,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rock
has
been replaced
by pop or rap
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. There remains
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
disagreement
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether", or rephrase the sentence to avoid "as to".
as to whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is bringing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of varied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
together or not. While there are
certainly
valid arguments to the contrary, I
personally
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
indeed
bringing disparate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
together.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is an indisputable fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is popular among all the generations. It is a typical stereotype that older generation prefers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
school tunes like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rock
or alternative. The truth,
however
, is the young generation these days prefers
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rock
and alternative over any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
melodic genre. It is,
hence
, playing a major role in bringing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
together. Indian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is known
as the oldest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
form. It has been
ubiquitously
blended in American, African
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
Thus
, it is
Possible spelling mistake. 'familiarising' is British English.
familiarising
Indian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
with those of the modern ones.

One point which I believe to be
absolutely
pivotal is the role of technology in achieving this. With the advent of media platforms like YouTube, Apple
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
or Spotify,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has been a platform to unite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
. A child sharing his favorite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
with his mother over the phone or the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
way around are examples of this.

Nevertheless
, there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
factors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
that integrates
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
groups. Movies or
Possible spelling mistake found.
Tv
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
can
also
do the same,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
indeed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way to achieve this.

By way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a major linking factor of divergent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
34Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. with this opinion? v. 8

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
281 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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