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Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v. 154 v.63

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. with this opinion? v. 154 v. 63
No doubt, music plays an indispensable role in people’s life. It is not only a valuable profit for the economy of a country, but also makes the life more colourful. Some people think that the way of connecting many people from different aspects such as cultures, ages, nationalities together with music is an accurate way. Personally, I completely agree with this point of view by many reasons discussed in this essay. First of all, music would tackle the barrier of language in other countries. People from all over the world may enjoy the melody of songs they like regardless of the language. That is the reason a musical group named Black Pink comes from Korea has the song “Kill this love” ranked the first place not only in Korea but also in Vietnam, United States and United Kingdom. Simultaneously, when people have the same hobby about the types of song such as pop music, rap that helps them understand each other and become more friendly through the transmission of music. Therefore, people might grow closer without distinction of language. Furthermore, through many songs performed by famous singers from different countries, the traditional cultures of each one would present to other people. For example, the song named “This is America” presented by rapper Childish Gambino, people would understand more about the life of black people in the United States and the gun violence there. They also know more about the culture of Vietnam and how Vietnamese people like which are represented in the song “Hello Vietnam”. Thus, when people from all over the world understands the culture of each country, they really get more intimately together. Moreover, the older people could take on the characteristics of young ones and vice versa, parents and children would share more things together. In conclusion, besides the many benefits tune brings to people’s soul, it is a precise way of linking people of different cultures and ages together.
No doubt,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
plays an indispensable role in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
life. It is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a valuable profit for the economy of a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
the life more
Possible spelling mistake. 'colourful' is British English.
colourful
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the way of connecting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
aspects such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
, ages, nationalities together with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is an accurate way.
Personally
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this point of view by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
reasons discussed in this essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
would tackle the barrier of language in other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
from all over the world may enjoy the melody of songs they like regardless of the language.
That is
the reason a musical group named Black Pink
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
from Korea has the song “Kill this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
” ranked the
first
place not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
in Korea
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
in Vietnam, United States and United Kingdom.
Simultaneously
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have the same hobby about the types of song such as pop
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, rap that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them understand each other and become more friendly through the transmission of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might grow closer without distinction of language.

Furthermore
, through
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
songs performed by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
singers from
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, the traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
of each one would present to other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For example
, the song named “This is America” presented by rapper Childish
Possible spelling mistake found.
Gambino
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would understand more about the life of black
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the United States and the gun violence there. They
also
know more about the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
of Vietnam and how Vietnamese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like which
are represented
in the song “Hello Vietnam”.
Thus
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from all over the world understands the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
culture
of each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
, they
really
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more
intimately
together.
Moreover
, the older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could take on the characteristics of young ones and vice versa, parents and children would share more things together.

In conclusion
,
besides
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
benefits tune brings to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
soul, it is a precise way of linking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cultures
and ages together.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS essay Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. with this opinion? v. 154 v. 63

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
323 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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