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Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.6

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. with this opinion? v. 6
A certain group of people are of the opinion that music is a better way of integrating diverse cultures and different age groups. Overall, I would opined that while this is true, we must bear in mind the demerits of this view. Firstly, opponents of such a view believe that majority of songs that youngsters are listening to today are full of obscene pictures and videos which is unpleasant for them. For example, it is a common knowledge in Nigeria homes for children not to listen to songs by Rihanna (an American musician) because of nudity she displayed in her videos. This has created a barrier to songs from the United State of America and Nigerians are even conscious of Americans. Moreover, certain tracks can generate hatred for some selected few. Take for an instance, some traditional singers in a bid to make public awareness about a pressing issue, are often in the habit of directly or indirectly antagonizing authorities. This reminds me of a popular Nigeria musician called Davido who opposed the government of Nigeria and supported the political ambition of his uncle. The effect of this was that it created animosity among the political parties in Nigeria rather than uniting them. Although songs are good, if targetted against some cultures or age groups can result in war. On the other hand, music has a way of uniting people of different background and ages through organized party, concerts or travelling to another country to participate in music festivals. A yearly musical event is normally held in Israel and the participants included people from the middle East, Americans, Africans and majority Asians. Through songs they listened to, it has changed some of their views about Israel. Some now see that Israel citizens are peaceful rather than being cruel because of wars they experience yearly. It is worthy of note that when properly channelled, music can even bring an end to wars that we are experiencing in different parts of the world. In conclusion, I would opined that on balance, while music can unite nations and different age category, it can also result in disunity if it is not monitored. I however believe that the benefits of this outweigh the drawbacks.
A certain group of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are of the opinion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a better way of integrating diverse cultures and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
groups.
Overall
, I would
The verb 'would' requires the base form of the verb: "opine"
opined
that while this is true, we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
bear in mind the demerits of this view.

Firstly
, opponents of such a view believe that majority of songs that youngsters are listening to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
are full of obscene pictures and videos which is unpleasant for them.
For example
, it is
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "common knowledge".
a common knowledge
in Nigeria homes for children not to listen to songs by Rihanna (an American musician)
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of nudity she displayed in her videos. This has created a barrier to songs from the United State of America and Nigerians are even conscious of Americans.
Moreover
, certain
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tracks
can generate hatred for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
selected few. Take for an instance,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
traditional singers in a bid to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
public awareness about a pressing issue, are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
in the habit of
directly
or
indirectly
antagonizing authorities. This reminds me of a popular Nigeria musician called
Possible spelling mistake found.
Davido
who opposed the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
of Nigeria and supported the political ambition of his uncle. The effect of this was that it created animosity among the political parties in Nigeria
rather
than uniting them. Although songs are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
, if
Possible spelling mistake found.
targetted
against
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cultures or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
groups can result in war.

On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has a way of uniting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
background and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
through organized party, concerts or travelling to another country to participate in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
festivals. A yearly musical
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
is
normally
held in Israel and the participants included
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from the
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
middle East
, Americans, Africans and majority Asians. Through
The comma is probably missing here: "songs, they".
songs they
listened to, it has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of their views about Israel.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that Israel citizens are peaceful
rather
than being cruel
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of wars they experience yearly. It is worthy of note that when
properly
channelled,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can even bring an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
to wars that we are experiencing in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
parts of the world.

In conclusion
, I would
The verb 'would' requires the base form of the verb: "opine"
opined
that on balance, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can unite nations and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
category, it can
also
result in disunity if it is not monitored. I
however
believe that the benefits of this outweigh the drawbacks.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. with this opinion? v. 6

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
370 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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