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Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinions? v.51

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. with this opinions? v. 51
Music is something that creates a melody and touches the heart. However, from the ancient times people are creating sounds with simpler equipments, now evolved into music of updates instruments. Music is a good way of bringing people of all castes, religions, cultures together as this has a common language. During the period when language did not flourish well, people used to use sign languages and various sounds to communicate. Moreover, it is thought that the idea of creating these sounds came to the mind of the ancient people by observing the trees and the environment during storms and other natural disasters, when these made various echoes with different parts of their body parts like branches, leaves etc. Consequently, they tried to mimic those with some hand made materials which continued to advance in centuries and paved the way of invention of latest musical equipments. The music is called the nature's pain killer. Though people of different countries make songs of their native language but the instruments remain almost same and all have the same goal of creating a sense of peace in each mind. So, I think this effort is successful to a large extent as the language of the songs, most of the time does not affect the overall soothing effect on the mind. That is why, it is said that music has no borders rather it can spread beyond the wired fence and conquer the heart of people of all cast. As a result, the "International folk Fest" has now become such a popular event that, citizens from multiple nations rush in to enjoy to their heart full. Conclusively, I obviously have full faith that music has such a charm that can break all the differences among people and bring them together to share what they feel which is tremendously important in this broken world of war, poverty and conspiracy.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
is something that creates a melody and touches the heart.
However
, from the ancient times
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are creating sounds with simpler equipments,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
evolved into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
of updates instruments.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way of bringing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of all castes, religions, cultures together as this has a common language.

During the period when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
did not flourish well,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sign
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
languages
and various sounds to communicate.
Moreover
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of creating these sounds came to the mind of the ancient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
by observing the trees and the environment during storms and other natural disasters, when these made various echoes with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
parts of their body parts like branches,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leaves
etc.
Consequently
, they tried to mimic those with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
hand made materials which continued to advance in centuries and paved the way of invention of
A determiner is probably missing here: "the latest".
latest
musical equipments.

The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is called
the nature's pain killer. Though
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
countries
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
songs of their native
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the instruments remain almost same and all have the same goal of creating a sense of peace in each mind.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
this effort is successful to a large extent as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
language
of the songs, most of the time does not affect the
overall
soothing effect on the mind.
That is
why, it
is said
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has no borders
rather
it can spread beyond the wired fence and conquer the heart of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of all cast.
As a result
, the
Use a smart opening quote here: "“".
"
International folk Fest
Use a smart closing quote here: "”".
"
has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
become such a popular
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
event
that, citizens from multiple nations rush in to enjoy to their heart full.

Conclusively
, I
obviously
have full faith that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has such a charm that can break all the differences among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
and bring them together to share what they feel which is
tremendously
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in this broken world of war, poverty and conspiracy.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
17Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. with this opinions? v. 51

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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