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Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? v.22

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. with this opinion? v. 22
It is often argued that music is an excellent measure of connecting people of distinct cultures and ages together. Personally, I completely agree with this view. There are two main reasons why music has such enormous benefits. One reason is that, music performances are playing a vital role at every celebrations which are participated by people regardless of ages and origins. For instance, a lively show could create an energetic and comfortable atmosphere, accordingly, people could gather and integrate into the crowd. Furthermore, music is also an impressive sort of art, which could be appreciated by any person. To be more specific, people who have the same taste in music may gather together and share with each other their treasured pieces of music, therefore, they could make more acquaintances and tighten their bonding with others. Moreover, they could not only broaden their horizons by other countries’ music genre, but also have more knowledge about others’ cultures or languages. Apart from the practical advantages that I expressed above, I still believe that there are some drawbacks hidden. Firstly, some sorts of music may not be suitable for every ages. In particular, rock n’ roll music has reached a wide audience, but the majority are teenagers and the youngsters, not the elderly people. As a result, old people may find that this genre of music is annoying and sometimes disturbing. Not to mention that the lyrics of a piece of music may contain misunderstandings or violent words. Accordingly, this may cause confusions and discomforts to the audiences. Moreover, the image of the music industry could also be threatened and damaged severely. In conclusion, despite the adverse impacts that I have mentioned, advantages that music brings us outweigh the disadvantages.
It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
argued that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is an excellent measure of connecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
of distinct cultures and ages together.
Personally
, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this view.

There are two main reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has such enormous benefits. One reason is that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
performances are playing a vital role at every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "celebration"?
celebrations
which
are participated
by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
regardless of ages and origins.
For instance
, a lively
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
could create an energetic and comfortable atmosphere,
accordingly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
could gather and integrate into the crowd.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is
also
an impressive sort of art, which could
be appreciated
by any person. To be more specific,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have the same taste in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
may gather together and share with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
their treasured pieces of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
,
therefore
, they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
more acquaintances and tighten their bonding with others.
Moreover
, they could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
broaden their horizons by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
countries’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
genre,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
have more knowledge about others’ cultures or languages.

Apart from the practical advantages that I expressed above, I
still
believe that there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
drawbacks hidden.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
sorts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
may not be suitable for every
The noun should be probably in the singular form: "age"?
ages
.
In particular
, rock n’ roll
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has reached a wide audience,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the majority are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
and the youngsters, not the elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
may find that this genre of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is annoying and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
disturbing. Not to mention that the lyrics of a piece of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
may contain misunderstandings or violent words.
Accordingly
, this may cause confusions and discomforts to the audiences.
Moreover
, the image of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
industry could
also
be threatened
and damaged
severely
.

In conclusion
, despite the adverse impacts that I have mentioned, advantages that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
brings us outweigh the disadvantages.
17Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
21Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. with this opinion? v. 22

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
287 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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