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Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion. v.21

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. with this opinion. v. 21
Music, the collective wealth of all human beings, is an amazing access to gathering people all around the world together without barrier of the language. I totally believe that it can make us bond with each other all over the world. As far as I am concerned, for one thing, music can produce emotional resonance among people. When we listened to the romantic music, it could conjure us up romantic relationship with others and elicit our sweet feeling, so we are likely to be immersed in it no matter our age, color or culture. Besides, if we listened to happy music, everyone's brain would secrete a specific chemical substance which can lighten our mood and make us relaxed and comfortable. Moreover, when gloomy melody played around us, we would be surrounded by the sad atmosphere, so that we could not help shedding our tears. Generally, our brain is programmed in the same way, so our similar feeling can bring people together in this world. For another, music is a good instrument for building friendship with other people. Hobby is one of the reasons why people link with each other. For example, when we met a stranger also interested in music, then we would have more deeper conversation with him. So in the process of sharing our favorite songs and singers, our friendship will be built unawares. In conclusion, no matter who you are and where you come from, music, which can yield spiritual bond with others and make us build close relationship, can gather people on earth together.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Music
, the collective wealth of all human beings, is
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "amazing access".
an amazing access
to gathering
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
all around the world together without barrier of the language. I
totally
believe that it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us bond with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
all over the world.

As far as I
am concerned
, for one thing,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can produce emotional resonance among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. When we listened to the romantic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, it could conjure us up romantic relationship with others and elicit our sweet feeling,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we are likely to
be immersed
in it no matter our age, color or culture.
Besides
, if we listened to happy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, everyone's brain would secrete a specific chemical substance which can lighten our mood and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us relaxed and comfortable.
Moreover
, when gloomy melody played around us, we would
be surrounded
by the sad atmosphere,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that we could not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
shedding our tears.
Generally
, our brain
is programmed
in the same way
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
our similar feeling can bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
together in this world.

For another,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
instrument for building friendship with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
. Hobby is one of the reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
link with each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
.
For example
, when we met a stranger
also
interested in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, then we would have
Use only "deeper" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more deeper
conversation with him.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
in the process of sharing our favorite songs and singers, our friendship will
be built
unawares.

In conclusion
, no matter who you are and where you
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, which can yield spiritual bond with others and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
us build close relationship, can gather
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
on earth together.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. with this opinion. v. 21

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
258 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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